


Dear No. 26: The World’s Smallest Handcuffs

by brokenhighways



Series: Dear No. 26 [3]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Banter, Chatting & Messaging, Epistolary, M/M, Marriage, Original Character(s), Texting, Wedding Planning, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-16 16:20:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7275115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>…or the one where they get married.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things hit a snag when Jared and Jensen realise that in under to keep their wedding under control, they have to take on more of the responsibilities.

Jared to Jensen

Is there a reason why your mom has called me 17 times?

Jensen to Jared

Ugh. The first three were about our prenup? Apparently she needs to know if she needs to rewrite my Dad’s will (??). The other 14 our about our perfect venue being cancelled.

Jared to Jensen

I’m not even going to ask about her writing someone else’s will. Isn’t that illegal?

Jensen to Jared

Very much so. I think she was joking.  And are we pissed off about the venue or not? Apparently it was double booked.

Jared to Jensen

To be honest with you, I have no idea where it is. I thought you would.

Jensen to Jared

Nope. I mean, I saw the pictures but…

Jared to Jensen

We really kind of suck at this whole wedding planning thing.

Jensen to Jared

Yup. But for the sake of my sanity, I think we need to take it back from my mom and/or maybe scale it down a little bit. She was talking about having a chocolate fountain and serving squid last time she sort of…talked at me for half an hour.

Jared to Jensen

YAY FOUNTAIN! NAY SQUID!

Jensen to Jared

I’m glad to see that you are taking this seriously.

Jared to Jensen

Oookay, so obviously we need a new venue. And possibly a standby caterer. And possibly a standby wedding. Or plane tickets to Vegas.

Jensen to Jared

Ugh. Oh and yeah, about the prenup. Do you plan on robbing me blind if we ever get divorced?

Jared to Jensen

Yup. I’ll trade you half of my DVD/Blu-Ray collection for half of your fortune.

Jensen to Jared

I will literally write that in and then bask in your despair when I take all of your Throes of Games DVDs.

Jared to Jensen

I know that you know the proper name of the show.

Jensen to Jared

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Jared to Jensen

Hmm. Well, I don’t exactly have a ton of cash lying around so write what you see fit, and I’ll get my lawyer (which is you, so…) to look over it.

Jensen to Jared

I thought my dad was your lawyer?

Jared to Jensen

Yeah, that didn’t go so well. I got tired of losing at golf so I challenged him to a game of Halo. I probably should have let him win. Your dad really hates to lose.

Jensen to Jared

Tell me something that I don’t already know.

Jared to Jensen

It was scary. Like, full of Dawn Of The Dead zombie apocalypse scary.

Jensen to Jared

Welcome to the family ;)

~

Jared to Katie

So we need another venue for the wedding. And also music, because apparently Jensen’s mom thought hiring a symphony orchestra was in our budget.

Katie to Jared

Isn’t it like, a month away? I thought she had it all under control.

Jared to Katie

Yeah, until Jensen’s dad realised that she was going a little overboard and apparently, losing the venue saved him a significant amount of $. But don’t tell anyone I told you that he had anything to do with it. He scares me.

Katie to Jared

He can’t be any worse than Rob’s sister. Gosh, how did you get along with her?

Jared to Katie

I met her for about ten minutes once, to be honest. She seemed nice enough.

Katie to Jared

She is the WORST! I stayed over at my Dad’s place the other day, some family dinner bullshit. And I had to borrow a tampon from her. I was PMSing like a bitch and all cranky and shit, and she was like, ‘I don’t get those women who don’t LOVE their periods’. I almost smacked her in the face.

Jared to Katie

Yeah, no….I….probably would have done the same thing had I been…PMS-ing.

Katie to Jared

Ugh, men. Fuck all of you.

Jared to Katie

…so is that my cue to stop texting you or can I hire you to help us iron out all of these wedding details?

Jared to Katie

I’ll try again tomorrow then.

~

Sandy to Jared

Have you heard from Chad?

Jared to Sandy

Not for a few weeks now. Why are you worried?

Sandy to Jared

No, but you know what his Dad is like.

Jared to Sandy

Huh. I’ll use Jensen’s phone to give him a call.

Sandy to Jared

LOL. Can’t you just join the same plan as him or something?

Jared to Sandy

No, I can’t. I’m an independent woman Sandy.

Sandy to Jared

…you’re an idiot. Also I need you and your independence to kind of maybe sort of rough up Scott a little? He keeps pestering me.

Jared to Sandy

And things with him are completely dead?

Sandy to Jared

Yes. He’s a cheater, he’s narcissistic, messy, annoying, stuck up and he cries at General Hospital. Dead is an understatement.

Jared to Sandy

In his defence, GH has its poignant moments.

Sandy to Jared

Don’t worry, Jared. Independent women are allowed to cry.

Jared to Sandy

Is that sarcasm…or…?

Sandy to Jared

I’ll let you figure it out.

~

Danneel to Alona

Any luck replacing Blue Haired Wonder? Or are we going to be each other’s plus ones at the wedding?

Alona to Danneel

I am not being your plus one. That would be very uncool.

Danneel to Alona

So, that’s a no. Well, he was a dick anyway.

Alona to Danneel

Well, I think we all knew that the blue hair would be a deal breaker.

Danneel to Alona

He flipped out because you asked him to wear a hat and claim that he was medically required to when your parents asked. I mean, that was a very reasonable demand.

Alona to Danneel

I know, right? I’m still regretting splurging on that special edition skateboard for his birthday.

Danneel to Alona

…you were willingly dating a blue-haired _skater_? What do they teach you in law school these days?

Alona to Danneel

I must have missed the ‘Good Boyfriend Material’ class.

Danneel to Alona

Yeah, you picked the ‘How To Attract Bad Prospects’ class instead.

Alona to Danneel

Says the woman whose last ‘boyfriend’ was her best friend’s sort of ex.

Danneel to Alona

I would call you a bitch, but you make a good point. I’ll see you tomorrow at dinner.

Alona to Danneel

Ha! See you!

~

Jensen to Jared

So, where are we on the whole writing vows thing? We doing that or…just going with the standard and possibly saving ourselves from hours of procrastination thing?

Jared to Jensen

Can I get a sample of what you’d write if we did write our own?

Jensen to Jared

I promise to only complain for a maximum of 2 mins the next time you make me physically remove the tomato slices from your pizza/sandwich/whatever.

Jared to Jensen

In my defense, they’re gross.

Jensen to Jared

They’re like, the least intimidating vegetable ever.

Jared to Jensen

HA! Tomatoes are fruit! Fruit in a sandwich is just wrong.

Jensen to Jared

Even avocado?

Jared to Jensen

Ew. I don’t think I can marry you anymore.

Jensen to Jared

Well, that answers my question about vows ;)

Jared to Jensen

You can save all of your wit for the speeches.

Jensen to Jared

Have I ever mentioned that I hate weddings?

Jared to Jensen

Only a million times. And then a million more after that.

Jensen to Jared

Yes, well, I want it on the record.

Jared to Jensen

And I am just your long suffering scribe?

Jensen to Jared

Yup, pretty much. Deal with it, o noble one.

Jared to Jensen

*grumbles*

~

Katie to Chris

So are you doing music for the wedding or not?

Chris to Katie

Well, first I was. But then I wasn’t sure if I wanted to miss out of getting drunk enough to actually get through the day. And then apparently I was replaced with some kind award winning orchestra.

Katie to Chris

Yeah, so that orchestra was canceled because you know, we all want to avoid bankruptcy over one day.

Chris to Katie

You know one way to avoid that would be to get those two idiots to plan their own damn wedding. Seriously.

Katie to Chris

Yes, well. Neither of them wanted to be bogged down with the technicalities and Jensen’s got his whole…law firm and Jared…does stuff. I don’t know. But, as a group, we NEED this wedding! This year been bullshit so far. Something needs to go right!

Chris to Katie

Well, I’m only performing if I see signs that they’re actually interested in their ‘special day’, because right now they’re just wasting our time.

Katie to Jensen

Hey, asshole. When’s your next day off?

Jensen to Katie

Uh…never? We are literally swamped. Oh, well, there’s the wedding I guess.

Katie to Jensen

Ugh, Chris is right. Tell Jared that I can’t help him with any of your wedding deets.

Jensen to Katie

And you can’t tell him yourself because…?

Katie to Jensen

I will find your car and key it.

Jensen to Katie

Alright! Jeez.

Jensen to Jared

So Katie says that she can’t help with the wedding?

Jared to Jensen

What, why?

Jensen to Katie

He wants to know why.

Katie to Jensen

BECAUSE YOU’RE BOTH IDIOTS!!

Jensen to Katie

Okay.

Jensen to Katie

Wait, what?

Jensen to Jared

She says that we’re both idiots.

Jared to Jensen

Ah.

Katie to Jensen

If you guys want to nix the wedding, just say so. Don’t waste other people’s time or get mad when they try to help you.

Jensen to Katie

You sound like my mom. She quit as our official planner because I wouldn’t let her spend $40,000 on flowers. And then she came back because we can’t be trusted.

Katie to Jensen

Ughhhhhhh. Just fix this. Because Jared worked way too hard on the proposal for you to fuck it all up.

Jensen to Katie

Oh, so, it’s my fault now?

Katie to Jensen

Yes! You gave your mother the reins, didn’t spot that your fiancé didn’t want to end up planning your wedding on his own. You’ve been working the whole time, I mean, no wonder he’s not interested.

Jensen to Jared

So, we need to talk. Soon.

Jared to Katie

What have you done now?

Jensen to Katie

In my defense, my mom only quit when we took back the wedding, so we have been working on it!

Katie to Jensen

Right, tell me one thing that you’ve actually decided on yourself.

Jensen to Katie

Uhm, that Jared gets to pick the kind of cake we have? Okay, fine. Maybe I have been rather…hands off.

Katie to Jensen

You’ve been entire planets off. Just fix it. Chris is refusing to play at your wedding until you do. And we don’t have room in our budget for anything other than tribute hair bands.

Jensen to Katie

Oh, god. Okay. Fine. Jared and I will take back our wedding *properly*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next part should be up soon. Let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the midst of their wedding planning, Jensen realizes that something is bothering Jared. Chad returns and Katie loses her patience with the group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly complete (there are definitely 10 parts) but I will be posting ~2 parts per week so I can edit as I go along. ;) Thank you to everyone reading so far!

## 

Jensen to Jared

So I’m taking the day off. Just had to make a couple of calls at the office. I thought maybe we could have a look at venues. I have three possible ones lined up.

Jared to Jensen

Well…I was just about to start a **Bananas in Pajamas** marathon but sure….although, why do you want to do that?

Jensen to Jared

Your weirdness never fails to amaze me. Anyway, why not! We should pick somewhere we both like.

Jared to Jensen

This coming from the man whose said things like, ‘Only an idiot would spend months planning for one day’ and ‘The beauty is that all we have to do is show up’ and ‘This day is literally for the benefit of other people’ and other choice quotes.

Jensen to Jared

In my defense, I hate weddings.

Jared to Jensen

Oh, I know. So can I go back to my marathon now?

Jensen to Jared

What? No! 1. You’re way too old to be watching that crap. And 2. I actually do want to be involved in our special day . I mean, I do hate the whole frenzied feel of weddings but…we’re only going to do this once, right. I’d hate myself if we never got to have our….you know….

Jared to Jensen

Dream wedding?

Jensen to Jared

Yes. That!

Jared to Jensen

Okay, so, let’s never refer to it as that again. But okay, I would love to look at venues with you. Is it too late to suggest a Games of Thrones theme? That’s very in at the moment.

Jensen to Jared

That idea is even worse than squid meat.

Jared to Jensen

Noted.

~

Jensen to Jared

So that went well. I’m in a meeting with 13 other people and I can still hear the shrill voice of the lady at venue #5. Why did we agree to look at additional places again?

Jared to Jensen

Be lucky that you were called away to your ‘emergency’ meeting before #6 and #7. They were even worse.

Jensen to Jared

Hey, this meeting is legit! And ugh, seriously? So what do we do now? Those were the only places that had spaces for our date.

Jared to Jensen

Well what about your parents backyard? It’s spacious. Kind of home and it’ll get your mom to stop texting me repeatedly. Seriously when did parents get all tech savvy?

Jensen to Jared

You can blame Steve Jobs for that one. And…that’s actually not a bad idea. It’s the perfect place. Yay!

Jared to Jensen

Oh, god, I got a Yay! You really must be pleased.

Jensen to Jared

You’ve been awfully sassy lately.

Jared to Jensen

What can I say, I get it from you?

Jensen to Jared

Touché. So I’ll run the idea about the house by my parents and see what they say. Next we have to convince Chris to play at our reception.

Jared to Jensen

I’ll leave that to you. I have to somehow convince Chad’s father that his son is somewhere in Japan doing gross (but consensual) things with some poor unsuspecting woman.

Jensen to Jared

Ew. Good luck with that.

~

Unknown to Jensen

Hey, man, so I need your help.

Jensen to Unknown

Uh, who is this….?

Unknown to Jensen

It’s Chad. And I may or may not need some legal assistance

Jensen to Chad

Dude, where are you? Your dad is worried sick!

Chad to Jensen

I’m in Japan. And right now I’m texting you via a burner phone. In jail.

Jensen to Chad

It was nice knowing ya, bud.

Chad to Jensen

Right, and how will you explain to Jared that you let his best friend rot away in a Japanese prison.

Jensen to Chad

Dammit. Okay, so what did you do?

Chad to Jensen

I may have ignored a ‘Restricted’ sign in order to…uh, go swimming.

Jensen to Chad

Let me guess, a girl was involved?

Chad to Jensen

Ha! Wrong. Two girls were involved.

Jensen to Chad

Ugh. I thought you and Lauren had a thing. Isn’t she your date for the wedding?

Chad to Jensen

Relax. It’s not like we bought each other promise rings. Plus, you don’t even like her.

Jensen to Chad

I may have been a little hasty in my judgement. She’s actually not that bad. I like her better than I like you.

Chad to Jensen

How touching. Look, can you get me out of here or not?

Jensen to Chad

Well, not with that attitude.

Chad to Jensen

Look, I’ll make a deal with you. You help me get out and I help you write the perfect vows.

Jensen to Chad

Oh, we’re not doing that.

Chad to Jensen

Uh-huh. You do remember that you’re marrying a guy who genuinely likes poetry. You really think the generic vows will be his cup of tea?

Jensen to Chad

His cup of tea? What kind of phrases are you learning over there?

Chad to Jensen

You have issues. But I can only help you with one of them. So…

Jensen to Chad

Get someone to fax me the paperwork and I’ll see what I can do.

Chad to Jensen

Actually, I was hoping that you would just put me through to your Dad. I think this might require a deeper level of assholery. They really seem keen on keeping me here for the rest of my life.

Jensen to Chad

No way. My dad’s already pissed off with me. I’d like to keep my inheritance intact, thank you.

Chad to Jensen

Well, at least you’re honest about it!

~

Jensen to Jared

So I heard from Chad. Oh, and what time is the cake-tasting thing?

Jared to Jensen

Oh, when? And…five minutes ago.

Jensen to Jared

I’m stuck in traffic. And before you say anything, I’m not going to leave my car here and run all the way to my destination like they do in the movies. What they don’t show you is the mass pile up that causes. Or, the part where you have to pay the huge impound fee to get it back.

Jared to Jensen

You are joyless. JOYLESS. Anyway, what’s up with Chad? I tried to reach him a bunch of times and nada.

Jared to Sandy

So Jensen heard from Chad

Sandy to Jared

Nice! So is Chad in jail, hospital or both?

Jared to Sandy

Hahaha, I’ll find out.

Jensen to Jared

I’ll fill you in when I get back.

Jensen to Katie

Is everything okay with Jared? He’s acting strange.

Katie to Jensen

Why are you asking me?

Jensen to Katie

Because you have no filter?

Katie to Jensen

True enough. Uhm. Well, I know his old school had some kind of review meeting about their hiring process after the whole, fake-teacher-turned-stalker-turned-kidnapper thing. And if he asks, you didn’t hear this from me, because technically, I don’t even know.

Jensen to Katie

How did you find out?

Katie to Jensen

I may have overheard a few…emails.

Jensen to Katie

How does one overhear emails?

Katie to Jensen

That’s irrelevant. You go do your….thing and fix him before the wedding. Oh and apparently you spoke to Chad? Fix him too. Thanks.

Jensen to Katie

Fix Chad? Please. Not even Einstein could fix Chad.

Katie to Jensen

Well, I was thinking less Einstein and more Steven Seagal.

Jensen to Katie

So you want me to kick Chad’s ass and limit my upper mobility at the same time? ‘Cause that’s what Seagal does. He literally takes down the bad guys with a rigid version of the Macarena.

Katie to Jensen

LMAO. Clearly you don’t understand Seagal’s methods.

Jensen to Katie

To bore the crap out of the audience during everyone of his movies? I mean, he could at least try to move around a little.

Katie to Jensen

Tell it to Steven, buddy, tell it to Steven. I think he’s still making movies.

Jensen to Katie

Let me guess, he takes out bad guys while sitting down, right?

Katie to Jensen

I have no idea. I’d still watch that though. I'd even watch him take on bad guys in a mobility scooter. 

Jensen to Katie

There’s nothing left to say - you’re beyond help.

Katie to Jensen

Haha, tell me something I don’t know. Anyway, I gotta run. Fix things with J or whatever you need to do there. I will deal with some wedding stuff.

~

Jensen to Chad

So I spoke to the cops and so long as your write a very long grovelling statement of apology and promise to never return to Japan, you should be free to go.

Chad to Jensen

Eh, The Chad will go wherever The Chad goes.

Jensen to Chad

How does The Chad like prison?

Chad to Jensen

Alright, alright, fine. THANK YOU!

~

Jared to Katie

Thanks for ratting me out.

Katie to Jared

In my defense, you need to work on not being sassy when you’ve got a bee in your bonnet.

Jared to Katie

That’s not at all the correct usage of that idiom.

Katie to Jared

WHATEVER! My god. You know what? I’m officially going offline until you, Jensen and Chad sort all of your shit out. Goodbye. If you need to reach me you can do so through Rob!

Jared to Katie

Really?

Rob to Jared

Uh, Katie says that she’s not talking to you?

Jared to Rob

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

~

Katie to Sandy

So I’m not talking to Jared, Jensen or Chad.

Sandy to Katie

What, why?

Katie to Sandy

I need some peace and quite frankly the next time I see all of you will be at the wedding, which is either going to be a huge mess or a great success.

Sandy to Katie

Aren’t you supposed to be helping out?

Katie to Sandy

Oh, I’ll do my job. I’ll just send all requests through Rob, my new and very temporary assistant.

Sandy to Katie

Has anyone ever told you that you’re a bit dramatic?

Rob to Sandy

Katie says that she’s not talking to you either?

Sandy to Rob

LOL.

~

Jensen has joined the conversation.

Jared has joined the conversation

_Jensen is typing…._

Jensen: Tux fitting today, right?

Jared: Yup, how is that your mom buys Chris a suit but we have to get our own tuxes?

Jensen: Probably ‘cause it’s our wedding.

Jared: That hasn’t stopped her over the past few months.

Jensen: Well, we did kind of dump it on her.

Jared: Yeah

Jensen: Okay, so are we going to talk about the Tom thing or not?

Jared: …what?

Jensen: I know that the school called you up to their meeting or whatever and that you had to talk about what happened. What I don’t know is why you didn’t tell me.

Jared: I was going to but then we took back our wedding and everything has been hectic

Jensen: Right that’s your idea of hectic.

Jared: Seriously, it just didn’t come up.

Jensen: Okay, well, let me know when you’re ready for it to come up.

_Jensen has left the conversation_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared comes clean and the wedding plans continue.

## 

Jared to Katie

Once again, thanks for ratting me out.

Rob to Jared

She’s still not talking to you.

Jared to Katie

Well, I am still talking to YOU!

Rob to Jared

Not your best comeback. Also we’re in the middle of ordering stuff for your wedding, so could you not do this whole witty bantering back and forth thing right now?

Jared to Rob

What? I thought she wasn’t helping me.

Rob to Jared

Jensen’s mom needed help getting the backyard ready or whatever because apparently you guys thought you could just snap your fingers and have an InstaVenue.

Jared to Rob

Yeah, okay.

Rob to Jared

Is everything okay?

Jared to Rob

No offense but, you’re the last person I plan on spilling my guts to.

Rob to Jared

I’ll take that as a no. Well, it could be worse. At least you’re not going to be left at the altar.

Jared to Rob

No, I was just cheated on instead.

Rob to Jared

I walked right into that one. Fair enough. Anyway, if for whatever reason you need to talk – my door is always open.

Jared to Rob

Thanks.

~

Danneel to Jensen

How was the tux fitting? Are you guys wearing pink?

Jensen to Danneel

….why would you even ask that?

Danneel to Jensen

Apparently My Little Pony themed weddings are very in right now.

Jensen to Danneel

For both of our sakes, please say no more on that subject. And it was excruciating. Mostly because Jared was giving me the silent treatment.

Danneel to Jensen

What have you done now?

Jensen to Danneel

Nothing! I’m supposed to be angry with him.

Danneel to Jensen

Okay, well, did you say anything to him?

Jensen to Danneel

No. Why would I?

Danneel to Jensen

I’m going to get Alona to talk some sense into you. You pay her to deal with your stupidity.

Jensen to Danneel

-.-

Alona to Jensen

What’s up dumb-dumb?

Jensen to Alona

So I take it that you don’t want a performance bonus?

Alona to Jensen

Please. Anyway, what’s up with you and Jared?

Jensen to Alona

Well, he’s out somewhere so I’ll just call you I guess.

~

Jared to Rob

Okay, I’ll bite. Let’s say that I’ve been acting like a dick because of something that was nobody’s fault. How would I explain that and make up for it?

Rob to Jared

Is this meant for me or Katie?

Jared to Rob

Sigh. You. Apparently I’m friends with a bunch of blabber mouths.

Rob to Jared

Well, I would explain why I’ve been acting the way I was and then….stop acting that way? If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that sometimes telling the truth is the best way to get over things. It might suck for a while but the nature of life is that the less time things have to fester, the easier they are to get over.

Jared to Rob

…that was surprisingly profound. Perhaps you should fall off bar tops more often? It’s almost as if you’ve FINALLY grown up!

Rob to Jared

Wow. Something really is up with you.

Jared to Rob

Sorry that was a little harsh. Blame wedding stress.

Rob to Jared

Right...

Rob to Sandy

Can you text Jensen on my behalf (but don’t mention that I said anything) and ask him to fix whatever is wrong with Jared?

Sandy to Rob

Is this from you or Katie?

Rob to Sandy

…which answer is likely to get some affirmative action?

Sandy to Rob

Neither.

Sandy to Jared

We need to talk. Now.

~

Chad to [Group]

GUESS WHO’S BACK BITCHES??!

Danneel to Chad

Nobody cares. But hi. I’ve kind of missed your annoying behavior.

Chad to Danneel

Sigh.

~

From: Jared

To: Jensen

Subject: So this is what happened

* * *

 

Okay, for the record, I really don’t want to talk about this. But I guess we have to and I guess everyone thinks I’ve been acting kind of weird.

**Side note from Sandy – YOU HAVE BEEN!!!**

Excuse me while I just throw Sandy out of our apartment.

Anyway, yeah, so basically the school called and said I was legally obliged to attend their stupid review. Little did I know that it was really a suck up session with the board and they wanted me to play nice and act like they had been supportive about everything that happened. That pissed me off. So I might have flipped out in the middle of the meeting. And then I got a letter saying that if I repeated anything from the meeting in public I’d be legally liable for any ramifications my comments would have. And that pissed me off some more because just when I’ve finally moved on from all of this, something creeps up and reminds me of everything.

But I get that I do have to talk about it because I’m kind of ruining this whole wedding planning period, so you can read this and we can discuss it when you get home. And by the way the fact that you’re working until midnight and leaving me to deal with things is also pissing me off, so yeah. I don’t know what you want to do about that.

Speak to you soon.

-J

~

Jensen to Sandy

Now I feel like crap.

Sandy to Jensen

Yeah, well…you are kind of redefining the term ‘hands-off’.

Jensen to Sandy

Yeah…

Jensen to Jared

I’m sorry. For being a self-absorbed dick and for letting you go through all of that by yourself.

Jared to Jensen

You aren’t self-absorbed and…I should have told you. I guess, I just didn’t want to deal with it and the fact that you’re busy was a convenient excuse.

Jensen to Jared

I’m never too busy for you. And I know I keep saying I’ll do better with the whole wedding thing but I really mean it this time. What’s the point of being your own boss if you can’t give yourself a little time off right?

Jared to Jensen

I don’t want you to do anything drastic on my account. I’ll get Katie back onside and she and I can handle everything.

Jensen to Jared

Well, I just cleared out my schedule for the week. Guess I’ll lounge around and catch Bananas in Pajamas. :O

Jared to Jensen

You do that ;)

~

Jensen to Jared

Okay, so venue – sort of done. I think Katie is even scarier than my mom. Music – still working on it. Food – my mom’s taking care of that (we hope). Guests – I sent out all of the invites with the new venue. Family – all the flights are booked. We redid the seating plan. The tuxes aren’t done yet. What else do we need to do?

Jared to Jensen

Rings?

Jensen to Jared

Engraved?

Jared to Jensen

With what?

Jensen to Jared

Hey, you’re the wannabe Edgar Allen Poe, you figure that out.

Jared to Jensen

LOL. I guess we can always get them engraved later.

Jensen to Jared

Fair enough. I’ll have a look for places that make ‘em and we can go and pick out something.

Jared to Jensen

Or we can just look online and send Chad to do it seeing as how he owes us a quite a bit of money.

Jensen to Jared

Oh…so he told you about that.

Jared to Jensen

Nope, you did. You get chatty when you drink tequila.

Jensen to Jared

Do not remind me of that night.

Chad to Jensen

Sup, Romeo. How are the vows going? Are you liking my suggestions?

Jensen to Chad

You sent me the lyrics to ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’. I genuinely thought you were Rick-Rolling me until I realised that you were serious.

Chad to Jensen

Hey, we have to start somewhere, right?

Jensen to Chad

Ugh.

~

Chad to Jared

Hey, man, you need me to do any best man stuff?

Jared to Chad

We need 50 chairs picked up and delivered to Jensen’s parents’ house.

Chad to Jared

Aaaaaaaaaand you’re still mad at me.

Jared to Chad

Nope. Just wondering why that even though I called you 25 times but you chose to call Jensen, of all people.

Chad to Jared

I needed legal advice!

Jared to Chad

Whatever you say.

~

Chad to Katie

Hey, Katie, so I might need your help.

Rob to Chad

This is getting ridiculous. Katie isn’t talking to you.

Chad to Rob

What? Why?

Rob to Chad

Because you’re an idiot.

Chad to Rob

Hey, man, not cool!

Rob to Chad

I’m just the messenger.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't ever invite an ex to your wedding.

Sandy to [Group]

Emergency meeting tonight. My place at 9. Chris that includes you. Aldis, you can come but only if the girlfriend stays at home. We don’t like her.

Aldis to [Group]

Dammit. Fine.

Chris to Sandy

Do I have to come?

Sandy to Chris

There’s a beer in it for you?

Chris to Sandy

Fine.

Jensen to Sandy

Emergency meeting? Is everything okay?

Sandy to Jensen

No! Your stupid wedding is driving us all apart. And also Chad, but Chad is Chad.

Jensen to Sandy

Hey, hey, in defense of our wedding, our group has been falling apart since Chad left.

Sandy to Jensen

Wait, what?

Jensen to Sandy

As much as I don’t want to admit it, it’s the truth.

Sandy to Jensen

…you’re kind of right. Ew. I guess we all need to be able to collectively chastise Chad for being Chad in order to get along.

Jensen to Sandy

Hey, you’re the professionally trained psychologist.

Sandy to Jensen

And you’re the professionally trained truth bender. But fine, your theory is better than mine, which is that we all bonded over my inability to cook. I was going to suggest a celebratory dinner party.

Jensen to Sandy

Thank god for small mercies. But well, Jared’s kind of annoyed with Chad and Katie isn’t talking to any of us. Which needs to be fixed. Rob texting me is weird. Is it normal that I just want to punch him in the face everytime I see his name pop up on my phone?

Sandy to Jensen

Not unless you’re a caveman.

Jensen to Sandy

In that case, me hopelessly in love with Jared and Rob bad man that hurt Jared?

Sandy to Jensen

No. Just. No.

~

Danneel to Alona

Ugh, save me from this horror, please.

Alona to Danneel

How’s it going over at Oprah’s house?

Danneel to Alona

Jared and Chad are hashing out their issues. Before that Katie had Rob dictate and also speak for her. That was until Jensen offered him a $1000 to quit as her assistant.

Alona to Danneel

….I am not regretting my decision to phase myself out of the group.

Danneel to Alona

Well, you didn’t really phase yourself out. We all collectively voted Blue Haired Wonder off the island and you went with him.

Alona to Danneel

I hate you.

Danneel to Alona

I think Sandy has almost broken Katie. It helps that Jared’s stopped being snarky now. It was like dealing with two Jensens.

Alona to Danneel

*shudder*

Danneel to Alona

Exactly!

~

Katie to Jared

I’m glad that we’re all speaking again. :) You and Jensen are cool for real now though? You weren’t acting for my benefit.

Jared to Katie

No, we’re good.

Katie to Jared

And you and Chad?

Jared to Katie

He’s an idiot but still my BFF for lyfe.

Katie to Jared

Ugh. Anyway. I’m redoing the whole color scheme. Blue or green?

Jared to Katie

Green. And Mrs Ackles is okay with it?

Katie to Jared

Yup. She’s actually really nice when you get to know her.

Jared to Katie

Right…

Jared to Jensen

Aren’t we supposed to be doing lunch with your mom today?

Jensen to Jared

Yep, she and Katie, apparently there are some details they want to run by us.

Jared to Jensen

Jared to Jensen

Maybe we can finally get to the bottom of why your mom put Bill Clinton down on the guest list.

Jensen to Jared

Actually, I think that’s code for my Dad.

Jared to Jensen

That would explain why he was supposed to be seated next to your mother. She’s the Hillary of your family.

Jensen to Jared

In her defense, that was the first draft that’s she wrote when they were fighting.

Jared to Jensen

Your parents are weird, babe.

Jensen to Jared

Tell me something that I don’t know!

~

Jared to Jensen

What are we doing for Bachelor’s Parties and whatnot?

Jensen to Jared

Is it wise to throw a Bachelor’s Party when Chad Michael Murray is best man?

Jared to Jensen

Probably not. But that’s for me to deal with. You have to have your own party.

Jensen to Jared

Yeah…sure.

Jensen to Danneel, Chris

So, you guys are cordially invited to my Bachelor Party thing. Bring booze.

Danneel to Chris, Jensen

Just the two of us? What about Aldis?

Jensen to Danneel, Chris

Jared’s probably going to have a bigger party so they can all go to that while we just hang out. That’s what I want to do. Like old times.

Chris to Jensen, Danneel

Hey, that’s cool with me.

Danneel to Jensen. Chris

Me too.

Jensen to Jared

Mine is all sorted out.

Jared to Jensen

That was quick!

Jensen to Jared

Now, that’s something I don’t hear too often. *wink*

Jared to Jensen

Well, your cheesy Dad humor is getting better. So, that’s a +1 in that column.

Jensen to Jared

I detect a whiff of hate in the air, man. Don’t be mad because I’ve got the jokes.

Jared to Jensen

Oh dear. Well. You need a time-out and I have a last minute errand to run. Talk to you in a bit.

~

Chad to Jared

Am I done being your errand boy now?

Jared to Chad

Hey, man, pay us back and you’re free to go back to doing nothing now that your dad’s placed his business in someone else’s hands.

Chad to Jared

Ugh, don’t even remind me of that, man. It’s messed up.

Jared to Chad

Actually it’s a good idea. You clearly aren’t ready for all of that responsibility. But you still get to have a job. May I remind you that we live in an economy where job security can be hard to come by.

Chad to Jared

:( I kind of miss the days when you’d back me up no matter how ridiculous I was being

Jared to Chad

I think I’ve finally become immune to you :P

Chad to Jared

Hmmm.

Jared to Jensen

So if Chad asks, his Dad never paid us back.

Jensen to Jared

Well he didn’t. I couldn’t take his money :(

Jared to Jensen

Perfect, I need Chad to pick up the two tables we ordered.

Jensen to Jared

I thought I was supposed to be the mean one.

Jared to Jensen

Consider this our Freaky Friday :D

Jensen to Jared

Your taste in movies never fails to astound me.

Jared to Jensen

Hey, the original movie is a classic!

Jensen to Jared

Have you seen the original?

Jared to Jensen

...uh, small parts of it?

Jensen to Jared

My point still stands.

~

Jensen to Jared

Thanks for the coffee ;)

Jared to Jensen

Oh, so you got it! The kid at the coffee shop was playing hardball with his tip.

Jensen to Jared

His what now?

Jared to Jensen

Lol, never mind. Just wanted to show you that I’m not pissed at you for having to go into work today.

Jensen to Jared

Alona called didn’t she?

Jared to Jensen

Yup. And in her defense, you finding out who keeps on messing up the bathrooms is totally important. People who act like 2 year olds in public bathrooms really piss me off.

Jensen to Jared

Try using one after it hasn’t been cleaned for a week.

Jared to Jensen

Please don’t put that image in my head.

Jensen to Jared

Haha, well, I think we’re just going to spring for more cleaning in order to stop a mutiny.

Jared to Jensen

Good idea. :)

~

Jared to Jensen

Have we checked the weather forecast for the 18th?

Jensen to Jared

Oh…no. But, I mean, we’ll have a marquee type thing right?

Jared to Jensen

I thought we nixed the tent idea.

Jensen to Jared

It’s not a tent.

Jared to Jensen

It’s pretty much just a fancy tent.

Jared to Jensen

Anyway, I was watching The Real Housewives of Melbourne and one of the housewives beach wedding was almost destroyed by a thunderstorm.

Jensen to Jared

I must have missed the part where we moved to Australia overnight.

Jared to Jensen

Hey. I’m just saying!

Jensen to Jared

And this is why we need the marquee ;) I’ll let my mom know.

Jared to Jensen

What?

Jared to Jensen

Did you just trick me into – wait, I don’t even watch this show.

Jensen to Chad

Thanks for your help!

Chad to Jensen

And you’ll knock off 10% of what I owe, right?

Jensen to Chad

Consider it done.

~

Katie to Sandy

So we need dates for the wedding

Sandy to Katie

Do we? I kind of want to enjoy everything without needing to pay attention to some guy I’ll probably never see again.

Katie to Sandy

It’s bad luck to show up to a wedding alone. Also, Rob has a date. So I need to get one.

Sandy to Jared

Rob’s invited to the wedding?

Jared to Sandy

Well…I mean, I was at his. It seemed fair.

Sandy to Jared

And Jensen’s okay with this?

Jared to Sandy

He will be. And I’ll even tell him right now.

Jared to Sandy

Yeah, so…that didn’t go very well.

Sandy to Jared

DUH!

Jensen to Rob

Really, you accepted Jared’s invite to the wedding?

Rob to Jensen

Hi! Uh, well. Yeah? Was I supposed to say no?

Jensen to Rob

Don’t hi me! And yes, you were. So rectify your mistake. Nicely.

Rob to Jensen

Fine.

~

Danneel to Jensen

I just got your 12 text messages about this Rob being invited to the wedding. Didn’t your mom invite Jeff?

Jensen to Danneel

That’s only because he and my dad apparently crossed paths long enough to be on each other’s contacts lists.

Danneel to Jensen

Awkward. Anyway, if he’s coming then you might just have to let the Rob thing go.

Jensen to Danneel

Why am I the only one still pissed that this guy treated Jared like shit?

Danneel to Jensen

Because you love him. And you’re kind of annoyingly overprotective but that’s fine. Milk it for a couple of hours. Get laid and then get over it.

Jensen to Danneel

Ugh.

~

Jared to Rob

So…I just think it would be too awkward if you came. You get that right? And I wish I’d just stayed away from yours.

Rob to Jared

No you don’t. I’m sure that day was great for you.

Jared to Rob

Maybe a little bit.

Rob to Jared

Guess I deserve that but…you and I are going to cross paths for as long as you’re friends with Katie. It’s just the way things are. I’m sorry for what I did but…it doesn’t do either of us any good if I have to keep apologizing.

Jared to Rob

No one is asking you to apologize. But I think it’s understandable that Jensen’s not your biggest fan. I’m lucky enough that having him means that what happened between us is irrelevant, but if you were in his shoes, how would you feel?

Rob to Jared

Point taken.

Rob to Jensen

I am officially uninviting myself. Happy?

Jensen to Rob

You can come. Just make sure I don’t see you.

Rob to Jared

Okay, so Jensen just told me that I can come to your wedding?

Jared to Rob

What? Hang on, let me just see what’s going on.

~

Katie to Jared

So, you got into a fight over Jeff being at the wedding….even though you had him over for dinner not too long ago.

Jared to Katie

It was more the fact that Rob could now go because Jeff was going. I mean, having Jeff there is way more awkward.

Katie to Jared

You and your beloved need some alone time because of all things to fight about, this is quite possibly the dumbest.

Jared to Katie

Really? Aren’t you the one desperately trying to find a date because Rob has one?

Rob to Jared

Can you stop pissing Katie off?

Jared to Rob

Or you could just stop texting on her behalf?

Rob to Jared

Kinda hard to do when I owe her money.

Jared to Rob

Fair enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody loves Chad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting to update *facepalm*

 

 

Jensen to Jared

LOL. Where are you?

Jared to Jensen

In a cupboard, cowering in shame.

Jensen to Jared

In my defense, I thought the house was empty. And no one ever uses this bathroom.

Jared to Jensen

I can’t believe another word you say.

Jensen to Jared

Hahahahaha.

Mom to Jensen

Can you boys please refrain from traumatizing the house staff? This isn’t the Playboy Mansion.

Jensen to Mom

She actually ratted us out? Jeez.

Mom to Jensen

Of course she did. She’s my eyes and ears around this place. Apparently Jared is ‘proportionate’.

Jensen to Mom

Mom! Please, stop. I promise that it won't happen again.

Mom to Jensen

Well, let this be a lesson to you.

Jensen to Jared

So my mom knows.

Jared to Jensen

;________; How long until the rest of the gro---oh, and wait, Katie just texted me a bunch of banana emojis.

Jensen to Jared

Wait, what?

Jensen to Jared

Oh, wait, I got one too. Ahhhhh.

Danneel to Jensen

Well, I’m glad to see that you took my advice.

Jensen to Danneel

No. No and no.

Danneel to Jensen

Whatever you saaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Alona to Jensen

You have an interesting idea of wedding planning. But I’ll allow it.

Jensen to Katie

Did you just said a group text to EVERYONE?

Katie to Jensen

Yup. And hey, you should be grateful that I didn’t send one when your mom brought out of all her old photo albums

Jensen to Katie

Oh, god.

Katie to Jensen

Hahahahahahahaa.

~

Chad to Jensen

So where are we on the wedding vows?

Jensen to Chad

We have both discovered that you are a horrible song chooser and horrible writer, so right now I’m planning on winging it.

Chad to Jensen

My work here is done.

Jensen to Chad

Not even remotely. We need you to help us move some more tables.

Chad to Jensen

DAMMIT.

~

Chris to Jensen

So, how are you feeling? Not long before you’re shackled by the world’s smallest handcuffs.

Jensen to Chris

What a lovely turn of phrase.

Chris to Jensen

Hey, man, just keepin’ it real with you. Now’s the time to back out if you’re not sure.

Jensen to Chris

Thanks for that tip, but I think I’m good.

Chris to Jensen

You sure?

Jensen to Chris

Yes!

Chris to Jensen

Good, because if something did go awry, I’m pretty sure Katie would force me to be on Team Jared.

Jensen to Chris

At least I have Danneel!

Chris to Jensen

The same woman who slept with Jeff? (Don’t tell her I said this)

Jensen to Chris

Alona?

Chris to Jensen

Ah, blood is thicker than employer.

Jensen to Chris

Aldis!

Chris to Jensen

And there’s the Katie connection there.

Jensen to Chris

Oh, wow. Why did we ever think it was a good idea to merge our group of friends?

Chris to Jensen

Beats me. If I have to sit next to Chad at one more movie night, I’m going to wring his skinny neck.

Jensen to Chris

…okay, then.

~

Chad to [Group]

So, I have a reservation for all of us at that new restaurant in town tomorrow. Might be a welcome – WELCOME – break from all of this wedding malarkey.

Sandy to Chad

Malarkey?

Chad to Sandy

I said what I said.

Sandy to Chad

Idiot.

Chad to Sandy

What do I do to make Jared be the way was before I left for Japan?

Sandy to Chad

Beats me. But I’ll be there tomorrow! Thanks!

Danneel to Chad

Eh, I’ll bite.

Chad to Danneel

Nice pun!

Danneel to Chad

I try.

Chad to Sandy

Seriously! How can I be his best man when he’s barely talking to me? And that fake truce we came to at your intervention doesn’t count.

Sandy to Chad

Are things seriously that messed up?

Chad to Sandy

Yes!

Sandy to Jared

So why aren’t you talking to Chad. Like, properly talking to him?

Jared to Sandy

Because he’s an idiot. And also I am sworn to secrecy.

Sandy to Jared

Oooh, is it Lauren related!

Jared to Sandy

Did she say something to you?

Sandy to Jared

No, but you did. BUSTED!

Jared to Sandy

Yeah, well, he put me in a tight spot by telling me not to tell her that he was canoodling with scores of chicks while she was here thinking that they might have something. Yes, I’m pissed.

Sandy to Jared

Canoodling?

Jared to Sandy

Just move past that.

Sandy to Jared

I get why you’re upset. But this is Chad. You know what he’s like and it was your place to just tell the truth if you felt that strongly about it. And you know that, so I suspect that you’re mad at yourself. So, can you please tell Chad what he’s done and then maybe strongly suggest he tell Lauren (preferably over the phone because we need him to be intact for tomorrow at least) and seriously, we need to start having these discussions over the phone. This text is far too long.

Jared to Sandy

Long, but served with some truths. You’re right. And I will talk to him after tomorrow because I’m really curious about how he intends to pay for this dinner.

Sandy to Jared

$20 says he gets Jensen to pay.

Jared to Sandy

LOL.

~

Sandy to Jensen

So, we don’t all bond over ragging on Chad. Your wedding is officially making all of us crazy.

Jensen to Sandy

I honestly didn’t think Chris would actually attempt to wring Chad’s neck. I thought they got along okay.

Sandy to Jensen

I think Chad planned the whole thing. Notice how we were politely asked to leave the restaurant before the journalists showed up. And he got away without paying.

Jensen to Sandy

Yeah, that’s because they brought the check over to me.

Sandy to Jensen

LMAO. Tell Jared that he owes me $20.

Jared to Chad

So, when are you going to tell her?

Chad to Jared

Wow. Not even a ‘Hey, Chad, I hope you’re fine after being unjustly attacked’.

Jared to Chad

Hey, Chad, I hope you’re fine after being provoking someone into roughing you up a little.

Chad to Jared

Cute. Look, I’ll tell her. And you could have just told me while you were upset. I might not listen to anyone else, but I care about what you think of me. It sucks to not have you in my corner.

Jared to Chad

You make it hard sometimes. And you take advantage a lot. Like how Jensen got stuck with the bill. You’re like our overgrown son.

Chad to Jared

That’s a truly noxious thought.

Jared to Chad

It’s time to get your life together, son.

Chad to Jared

I’m sorry. Really.

Jared to Chad

I know. Now. Go and be the man I know you can be and have that chat with Lauren.

~

Lauren to Jensen

Wait, was Jared really upset about me supposedly believing all of that bullshit he was spinning about Chad’s time in Japan?

Jensen to Lauren

Yup. And uh, just act like you were, okay? I need him and Chad to be on good terms because it means that I don’t have to be on reality TV duty. I can’t take any more of it.

Lauren to Jensen

Fine. But you owe me.

Chad to Lauren

I forgot to ask, are we still going to the wedding together?

Lauren to Chad

No.

Chad to Lauren

It was worth a shot.

Lauren to Chad

Stop texting me.

Chad to Jared

Looks like The Chad is back on the market.

Jared to Chad

Did you ever leave?

Chad to Jared

I took a hiatus.

Jared to Chad

I’m sure you were missed….by someone. ;)

~

Jared to Chad

NO STRIPPERS. THAT IS AN ORDER. Now what time am I supposed to show up?

Chad to Jared

8pm. I’ll pick you up.

Jensen to Jared

So my mom’s idea of cutting back is us letting her get those $40k flowers she wanted while charging people for drinks after their first two.

Jared to Jensen

Well, good luck talking her out of that and see you tomorrow!

Jensen to Jared

You’re leaving already?

Jared to Jensen

Chad’s picking me up at 8.

Jensen to Jared

Oh, well, I’ll try and come back to the apartment before then. I just had to unclog my own toilet. Apparently it’s now a free-for-all bathroom.

Jared to Jensen

Eww. Thanks for that…necessary bit of information.

Jensen to Jared

Anything for you ;)

Jared to Jensen

So what do you guys have planned for tonight?

Jensen to Jared

Booze, booze and more booze. My invite literally said BYOB.

Jared to Jensen

50 bucks says you all end up crashing by 12.

Jensen to Jared

50 bucks says you end trying to escape from Chad before then.

Jared to Jensen

Ugh. I think your odds are better than mine.

Jensen to Jared

:P

~

Danneel to Sandy

Tell me you’re having a better time than I am?

Sandy to Danneel

I was having a blast until Katie started lecturing the bartender at our first bar and we had to leave. He made the best mojitos.

Danneel to Sandy

We’ve literally been ‘chilling’ and watching The Food Network, which is fine and all but not exactly a party. So, yeah, I’m putting our gate-crash plan into action. Where will you guys be at 12?

Sandy to Danneel

Uh, well, Chad said something about a stripper so we’re probably going to ditch him at 12 and head over to our regular bar.

Danneel to Sandy

I will meet you there.

Jensen to Jared

So did I win 50 bucks?

Jared to Jensen

You know you did. But Chad signed into your Uber account that one time and probably never signed out, so you’ll probably lose it almost immediately.

Jensen to Jared

Uh-oh. What happened?

Jared to Jensen

I’ll tell you all about it when I see you.

~

Chad to Jared

Hey, where did everyone go last night?

Jared to Chad

Oh, uh, we had an emergency. At another bar. Because I explicitly told you that I didn’t want strippers or any other form of entertainment.

Chad to Jared

You are no fun.

Jared to chad

Forgive me for wanting to just have a good time with my friends, Chad.

Chad to Jared

So this is what it’s going to be like from now on?

Jared to Chad

It’s called growing up, Chad. Maybe you should try it.

Chad to Jared

Maybe you should find another best man.

Jared to Chad

I’m happy with the one I’ve got, even though he’s extremely annoying. And if he’s done being an asshole, he can come over to my place because we’re all having brunch and laughing at Katie falling off the bar.

Chad to Jared

Is she okay?!

Jared to Chad

She’s fine, we managed to grab her before she hit the ground. It was just kind of hilarious given how much shit she gave Rob over his spill in Australia.

Chad to Jared

I’m sorry that I missed it. And I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you.

Jared to Chad

All is forgiven. Although, Jensen knows that you’re still signed into his Uber account, so you’re on your own there.

Chad to Jared

I get the feeling that I’m going to spend the rest of my life working off my debt.

Jared to Chad

Good luck with that. Haha.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bakery is the best location for crisis talks.

 

Jared to Jensen

Two days to go! Xoxoxxooxoxoooooooooooooo

Jensen to Jared

Did you just…regress into a teenage girl at the end of that message?

Jared to Jensen

I was overcome with emotion.

Jensen to Jared

Yeah, I bet you were.

Jensen to Chad

Did you get my email?

Chad to Jensen

About the vows? Yup. Though I thought you didn’t need my help anymore?

Jensen to Chad

Considering that you owe me a large sum of money, I reserve the right to change my mind whenever I want to. And after two days we never have to speak about this okay. So just be honest.

Chad to Jensen

Alright, man, chill. I’m in the middle of annotating it.

Jensen to Chad

You’re what?!

Chad to Jensen

Well, I do have half of an English degree.

Jensen to Chad

What? How did I not know this? I thought you dropped out college and went to work for your Dad?

Chad to Jensen

That is also true. Congratulations, you fail at The Chad trivia.

Jensen to Chad

I’m not sad about that. So, you’re not an idiot after all. How good are at writing travel brochures? I might have a job for you. But before that – get back to the vows business. Are they any good?

Chad to Jensen

I like them. It’s not the most poetic thing, but…it’s very you.

Jensen to Chad

Thanks. I think?

Chad to Jensen

And I’ll let you calling me an idiot slide for now. I just used your Uber account again.

Jensen to Chad

Sigh.

~

From: Chad

To Jared:

Subject: Lauren

* * *

 

Hey,

Okay, so I know we agreed never to broach this subject again, but I figure that I have one more shot at this. I just need you to make sure that I’m still sitting next to her at the wedding.

\---

From Jared

To: Chad

Subject: Re: Lauren

* * *

 

I’m in the middle of getting a haircut and I’m replying just to tell you that I almost ended up with jagged ends.

Just let the Lauren thing go, man. A. You screwed up. B. She has a child. Not a Bratz doll but an actual _child_.

\---

Chad to Jared

Do you have IM on your phone? I can’t email you and trash talk this asshole from Minnesota I’m playing a game with at the same time.

~

Jared has joined the conversation

Chad has joined the conversation

 _Chad is typing_ …

Chad: A Bratz doll?

Jared: Yes, they were very popular during the early 2000s. I’m pretty sure there was a movie.

Chad: Okay, McWeirdo. But yes, I’m aware that she has a kid.

Jared: So you realize that you can’t keep wasting her time when she has someone else depending on her?

Chad: I do. But…what if I actually want to have a… _meaningful_ relationship with someone. You know, something like what you and Jensen have but with someone less annoying than Jensen

Jared: Uh, have you met Lauren? The reason why she and Jensen initially butted heads so much is because they’re so alike.

Chad: Good point. And I managed to go from hating Jensen to hating him less, so that’s a plus in the ‘Lauren is perfect for me’ column.

Jared: Your logic astounds me as per usual. Look, you and I agreed that I wasn’t going to act as a go-between anymore. So all I can say is that if you’re sure about this, you can ask Katie about the seating and maybe get Jensen to make sure that Lauren leaves her pepper spray at home. I, however, am staying out of it.

Chad: Thanks, man! I promise that we won’t cause a scene. If she peppers sprays me, I’ll muffle my screams.

Jared: Good, good. :)

~

Katie to Jared

Are you freaking out yet?

Jared to Katie

Nope. The rehearsal is going to be fine. So will the dinner. And then tomorrow will be fine. The End.

Katie to Jared

Okay. So now’s a good time to tell you that we….misplaced the rings?

Jared to Katie

Totally fine with that.

_Five minutes later_

Jared to Jensen

WHY DID WE THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO LEAVE ANYTHING WITH OUR FRIENDS FOR SAFEKEEPING?

Jensen to Jared

Why did we think it was a good idea to have it here? My parents are getting way too comfortable with having us around. I overheard my Dad asking my mom to pick up some stool softener.

Jared to Jensen

Wow. That’s gross. I’m going to go and buy a sundae and pretend that I never received that text. *hands on ears, eyes, everything*

Jensen to Jared

Define everything? ;)

Jared to Jensen

Clean it up! We’re in the middle of a crisis here.

Jensen to Jared

I’ll buy you two sundaes if you can come up with a legitimate excuse for me to bail right now. My parents are doing their daily ‘scroll through every single post on Facebook and make judgemental comments while posting nice ones’ routine at the s l o w e s t pace and I promised that I’d have lunch with them.

Jared to Jensen

I don’t know, tell that I slipped on a banana peel

Jensen to Jared

…really helpful, dude.

Jared to Jensen

I just got a FB comment from your mom. It says ‘Nice haircut’. Is that what she said out loud?

Jensen to Jared

Uh…on second thought, I might just stay for lunch…

Jared to Jensen

Omg, what did she say? You can run, but you can’t escape. The truth will be mine!

Jensen to Jared

I really thought you’d go with the rest of that Enrique line there.

Jared to Jensen

It crossed my mind--and hey, don’t change the subject!

Jensen to Jared

Sorry, dude. My lips are sealed.

Jared to Jensen

You suck.

Jensen to Jared

Not with my lips sealed.

Jared to Jensen

I think you’ve been exposed to Chad for far too long.

Jensen to Jared

LOL. You might be right.

~

Katie to Rob

Have you seen the rings anywhere?

Rob to Katie

You gave them to me for safekeeping? Remember?

Katie to Rob

WHAT? Okay, so 1. Don’t tell anyone that I did that and 2. I need them back RIGHT NOW and 3. You didn’t RSVP?

Rob to Katie

Okay to 1 &2\. Re: 3, that’s because I’m not coming.

Katie to Rob

Why not?

Rob to Katie

They deserve to have their special day without me being there to remind anyone of crappier times and…also, it’s probably not good for me to be there.

Katie to Rob

If you and I weren’t sworn enemies, I’d give you a hug. But we are so, I’ll just…save you some cake I guess?

Rob to Katie

Thanks, sis. I can still help out though. Just from afar.

Katie to Rob

Don’t call me that.

Rob to Katie

;)

~

Jared to Sandy

My sister has been texting me marriage horror stories for three hours straight. Can you please tell her to stop or Jensen and I won’t let her stay with us this summer like we promised.

Sandy to Jared

Oh, I sent her to buy my groceries. She has some really…aggressive views on The Kardashians but I was sort of enjoying my KUWTK marathon.

Jared to Sandy

You HATE that show?

Sandy to Jared

I know. That’s why I hate-watch it when I need to release some pent-up frustration caused by my annoying ex-boyfriend.

Jared to Sandy

Scott again?

Sandy to Jared

Apparently, I have his white shirt? I think he just makes this stuff up just to annoy me.

Jared to Chris

Hey, are you free between now and the rehearsal? I need a favor…

Chris to Jared

Sure. What is it?

_Two hours later_

Scott to Sandy

If you didn’t want me to keep in contact with you, you could have said.

Sandy to Scott

Like you listen to anything I say.

Scott to Sandy

Right. Well, I won’t bother you again.

Sandy to Scott

Good. And tell your mom that I blocked her on Facebook. So, she doesn’t need to post any more passive-aggressive statuses.

Scott to Sandy

Fine.

Sandy to Jared

Ha! Whatever you did worked. Thank you.

Jared to Chris

Did you get it on video?

Chris to Jared

Yup. Dude almost shit a brick when I told him that I had eyes and ears everywhere.

Jared to Chris

Hahahaha, perfect!

~

_The Big Day_

Alona to Jensen

Good luck, boss man.

Jensen to Alona

Thank you!

Alona to Jensen

So I wonder how much of a mess this day is going to be. There was some tension last night.

Jensen to Alona

…did you send this to me by mistake?

Alona to Jensen

Whoops. It was meant for Danneel.

Jensen to Alona

So you guys just talk about me behind my back?

Alona to Jensen

Pretty much. Anyway, see you at the wedding!

Jensen to Alona

I can fire you, you know.

Alona to Jensen

PLEASE.

Alona to Danneel

I just accidentally texted Jensen about how much of a mess today is going to be.

Danneel to Alona

HAHAAHAHAHAA! That beats me having to persuade Jeff not to show up. That bastard.

Alona to Danneel

Did it work?

Danneel to Alona

I had to resort to some friendly blackmail but yes it did eventually.

Alona to Danneel

LOL. Where are we on the date front?

Danneel to Alona

My neighbor and his friend should be over soon, and then we’ll swing by and pick you up.

Alona to Danneel

The first thing you have to do is take a picture of me with one of them so I can send it to Blue Haired Wonder.

Danneel to Alona

I’d tell you to be the better person, but LBR, I’m all about being petty.

~

Jared to Jensen

So are we going to talk about last night? I thought you’d have texted me at least.

Jensen to Jared

I sent you a goodnight/love you message!

Jared to Jensen

That’s beside the point.

Jensen to Jared

Oh, wow.

Jared to Jensen

I’m not even annoyed that you didn’t tell me about the house – although my dad says I shouldn’t sign anything until you disclose everything.

Jensen to Jared

What does he have to do with anything?

Jared to Jensen

In light of recent developments, I took him on as my lawyer again

Jensen to Jared

This is ridiculous.

Jensen to Dad

Really? You told Jared not to sign the prenup?

Dad to Jensen

You’ve got to be honest, son.

Jensen to Dad

You’re a big help, Dad. Really.

Jared to Jensen

Look, I’m at the bakery across from the library. So when you’re ready to talk that’s where I’ll be. And if I don’t see, I won’t bother to turn up.

Jensen to Jared

This is seriously ridiculous.

Jensen to Lauren

Thanks for your input last night. Seriously.

Lauren to Jensen

In my defense, I do a background check on everybody.

Jensen to Lauren

Do you then disclose the information in front of a bunch of people?

Lauren to Jensen

I guess there’s a first time for everything? Look, I’m sorry. I hope Jared isn’t upset or anything. As for the other stuff I brought up…you’ll thank me one day.

~

Katie to Sandy

So, I’m missing two grooms and half of my guests.

Sandy to Katie

That’s what Find My iPhone is for.

Katie to Sandy

Good idea. Although, the whole stalking incident means that I’m not going to do that. I’m just going to go and drink some Earl Grey and get my hair done.

Sandy to Jared

Katie’s on the warpath.

Sandy to Jared

Oh, wow. No reply within 20 mins? You really are AWOL.

Sandy to Chad

Have you heard from our dashing friend?

Chad to Sandy

Noooooooooope. But he and Jensen had one of those weird quiet arguments last night. There was a lot of glaring and ‘this isn’t over’ eye contact.

Sandy to Chad

Legit lol’d @ ‘this isn’t over’ eye contact but no, seriously are we worried or…because my dress was really expensive and I charged it to Scott’s credit card months ago, so I would really like to maximize the enjoyment I get out of it.

Chad to Sandy

…to think that you’re the professionally trained psychologist.

Sandy to Chad

Yeah, yeah, you’re welcome to leave me a review on Yelp!

Chad to Sandy

Don’t tempt me!

~

Danneel to Jensen

Nervous yet?

Jensen to Danneel

Nervous? No. Annoyed? Yes.

Danneel to Jensen

Wanna talk about it?

Jensen to Danneel

Can’t. Jared and I are having crisis talks at his favorite bakery. It’s all very dramatic. I’m only replying because he went to order another mocha.

Danneel to Alona, Chris

Well, they’re fighting and it’s not even 10am yet. I’m looking forward to collecting my winnings

Alona to Danneel, Chris

You have no shame. And also that money is mine.

Chris to Alona, Danneel

I think you both forget that I’ve never lost a bet.

Danneel to Jensen

Good luck. I’ll see you at the house.

Jensen to Danneel

Lol, thanks. See you then.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guys need better friends.

[ ](http://imgur.com/UAnvNIV)

Jensen to Chad

So, I managed to talk him out of going to the apartment. How long is this going to take, man?

Chad to Jensen

I will literally be done ten minutes. In the meantime, when I said you might have to stall – I was joking. Just kiss and make up.

Jensen to Chad

Well, you were supposed to have it done yesterday.

Chad to Jensen

These things take time. And I told you that I’d have it done before you even needed to be there.

Jensen to Chad

Yeah, well, this was the only way I could make sure. After all, they can’t start without us, and we can’t start without you. Unfortunately.

Chad to Jensen

I just love our conversations.

Jensen to Chad

Chop, chop!

Chad to Jensen

Douchebag, douchebag!

Jensen to Chad

Not your best comeback, pal.

Chad to Jensen

Oh, shut up.

Jensen to Chad

:P

~

_The ceremony_

[Group text]

Danneel: So, everyone is just ignoring the huge ‘No Phones Allowed’ sign.

Sandy: In their defense, it’s 2016

Katie: And people should respect the rules when in other people’s homes.

Alona: You’re literally breaking the rule and I saw you put the sign up

Katie: Hey, I didn’t say I agreed with it.

Chris: You kinda did.

Grace: Yup.

Sandy: Yeah...

~

Katie to Aldis

Remove your girlfriend from our group text

Aldis to Katie

She just wants to feel included

Katie to Aldis

She’s not at the singles table, so she should be thankful for that alone. Plus, she doesn’t even like us.

Aldis to Katie

…she’s warming up to you? Look, so maybe she’s not keen about us having a…past.

Katie to Aldis

Okay.

~

[Group text]

Katie: So, just talk in this conversation, guys. Aldis and his girlfriend can bounce around with crickets in the other one.

Chad: She’s been nothing but nice to me.

Sandy: And completely horrible behind your back.

Chad: Touché.

~

Aldis to Katie

Oh, so now none of you in the group. Cute. You can tell Jensen that we’re going where we are welcome.

Katie to Aldis

Fine by me.

Jared to Katie

Where’s Aldis going? We start in like, 20 minutes or whenever my mom stops gushing over me, which might be sometime early next year. SAVE ME.

Katie to Jared

He just un-invited himself and his lovely girlfriend.

Jared to Katie

Look, we all agreed we’d get along with her for one day.

Katie to Jared

He’s adding her to our text conversations – that is not cool.

Jared to Katie

I’ll go talk to him, just keep everything on track here, okay. And thank you for all of your help ;)

Katie to Jared

I say that we just go ahead without him but I know you won’t listen to me anyway. Siiiigh.

~

**Jensen’s ‘vows’.**

_I kind of just wanted to go with the traditional vows and just kind of internally cringe my way through it because I’m not great with words, but a friend of mine gave me a little help. He told me to just say what I feel and not worry about having the perfect words, because we’re not perfect. I mean, we first interacted at 2am, the day before I had a pretty huge meeting and I was kind of annoyed at you for a while and sometimes I wish we hadn’t met like that but on most days, I wouldn’t change it for the world. It was unconventional but it was us. It is us._

_The funny part is that I was ready to just devote my life to my job, and just forget about the conventional family life and I was okay with that. So, I guess finding you the way I did was almost fate. I say almost because I’m 99.9% sure that fate isn’t a real thing, but you know, that 0.01% is for us. And we’re not perfect but…my life wasn’t complete without you in it, and now…it kind of is. I’m 100% ready for you to annoy me for the rest of my life, and ready to love that you annoy me. So…yeah._

~

[Group text]

Danneel: The non-traditional vows were kind of cute. Jensen’s were touching with a hint of snark.

Chad: Ugh, please. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Jared’s blubbering was twice as bad.

Jared: You do realize that J and I are also in this group?

Chad: That was not disclosed to me. I did like how he ended it with ‘So, yeah’ though. It was very eloquent.

Danneel: Hell, it made Chris cry.

Chris: What? I don’t even like to get involved in these group things but I want it on the record that I did not cry. I genuinely had something caught in my eye.

Alona: Yeah, tears. Of laughter though. Jensen’s dad imploring Jared to make sure he’d seen all assets first was kind of game changer.

Chad: What about the part where his mom whacked his dad over the head with her clutch and told him to sit the fuck down. Now see why chicks carry those things, because clearly nothing can fit in them. Unless they’re like clown cars.

Sandy: Why are you talking about clown cars?

Alona: LOL. It was great. I caught the whole thing on video. I’m going to make sure that it goes viral and gets an auto tune remix.

Jared: Please don’t. In fact, can we never speak of that moment again and focus on the fact that the ceremony proceeded after that…interruption and came to a really nice end.

Sandy: Yeah…

Katie: Actually, I’d rather focus on the clutch incident. Totally made me cry mascara tears but it was worth it.

Chad: He was rubbing a phantom spot on his head for a good five minutes after. LOL.

~

Jensen to Jared

If I have to take one more picture, I’m going to face-plant into the cake.

Jared to Jensen

Please don’t. But yeah, I feel ya. By the way, you might want to avoid the group text. Your parents are a hot topic.

Jensen to Jared

Welcome to the family. Wait until you end up at one of my aunt’s huge triennial summer parties.

Jared to Jensen

Every three years? Damn. Does the fallout require a long cooling off period?

Jensen to Jared

Pretty much. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re needed to take more pictures. I can tell that Katie hired this guy.

Jared to Jensen

I’ll be over in a minute, I just need to talk to Chad quickly. BUT, WE DID ITTTTTTTTT! And I’m happy to sign whatever I need to. All of the drama is just petty at this point.

Jensen to Jared

We did indeed. <3 And I agree.

~

Sandy to Chad

Chad, can you just try not to eat like a slob in public. I’m pretty sure Lauren is secretly filming you.

Chad to Sandy

I’m hungry. Jeez. And I have to get up and give a speech and you know, that requires some sustenance.

Sandy to Chad

Sure it does…

~

Danneel to Alona

Oh, I forgot to ask - did all of the paperwork go through?

Alona to Danneel

Yes, although I’m pretty sure you’re going to get an angry phone call when Jensen realizes that you refused to accept the apartment as a gift.

Danneel to Alona

Yeah, well, he’ll thank me when he’s 70 and Jared’s spent the rest of his money on hair products. Plus I can afford it now that my settlement from the accident has come through.

Alona to Danneel

LOL @ hair products. And I’m glad. :)

~

[Group text]

Katie: So, our relief band hasn’t shown up yet and I’ve no money to pay Chris for an extra hour, so I need you guys to fill up the time when Chad is done with his speech.

Danneel: We all get to do speeches? Yes. I get to go after Chad.

Sandy: Count me out.

Alona: Hell, I’m in. this is the perfect chance to embarrass them.

Sandy: You guys are terrible.

Aldis: I think I’ll sit this one out, lol.

Katie: Okay, well, Sandy you’re my backup choice if I still need to fill in the time. I can’t trust any of the parents to come up here yet. Blah, blah, I love my son – that can come later. And the siblings get a minute each.

Sandy: …you’re kind of scary, Katie.

Katie: Only ‘kind of’ – I must be losing my touch.

_Speeches_

**Chad**

_Most people here today were against me giving a speech even though at this point, I’m kind of legally bound to keep things nice and above board. Jensen and I don’t always get along, although I guess you could say we are friends. Not just because we’ve sort of learned to get along some of the time but because he makes Jared happy. And I’d be honoured to call anyone who does that my friend because Jared’s the best guy I know. He deserves the best, as does Jensen and they’ve clearly found that in each other. So, hopefully they can both agree to knock off five grand from what I owe them because you know, failing economy and new video game releases etc. Just a suggestion._

Katie: Keeping it classy as usual, Chad.

Danneel: It was quite sweet up until the end.

Alona: In fairness, anyone loaning Chad any money at all knows what they’re getting into. Despite the fact that he has a semi-stable job.

Sandy: Chad’s probably good for it, but he’s a cheapskate. He’d rather work off what he owes. But in fairness, he basically did all of my unpacking and packing the last time I moved, so it was the best $500 I ever loaned out.

Chris: Yeah….I would still claim my $400 back. You guys need to learn how to play hardball. I once lent Chad five bucks. Added interest and he ended up paying me 50.

Sandy: Shh, Danneel is about to give a speech. Katie, where’s the band to save us from this nightmare?

Katie: TRAFFIC. UGH. I’m going to get Chris to somehow half their fee.

Chris: Hey, I only threaten Chad and the occasional ex-boyfriend.

Sandy: Wait, what? And haaa, Danneel realised that she kinda couldn’t go up there and talk shit.

Alona: Her character growth has been a sight to behold

Chris: Or, she’s just playing it safe after the whole ‘Jensen owns my house’ revelation from yesterday.

Alona: Yeah, we’re all pretending that we didn’t hear that because we’re not interested in other people’s personal business and also because I am legally bound by law not to say anything

Chad: Right.

Katie: You know what, forget the friend speeches. After the family stuff, I’m just going to ask Jensen’s mom to talk until she gets bored. And if they’re still not here, I have NKOTB’s greatest hits loaded up on my iPod.

Sandy: Oh, they’ll both love that.

~

Jensen to Jared

We’re out of toilet cleaner!

Jared to Jensen

…okay, but….couldn’t you wait until tomorrow to text me this?

Jensen to Jared

What?

Jensen to Jared

Oh, that. My bad. It’s from this Japanese texting app that client of mine who had that Lemon Drop app sent my way. It lets you schedule messages and that was my test message.

Jared to Jensen

That we’re…out of toilet cleaner.

Jensen to Jared

Hey, I couldn’t think of anything else!

Jared to Jensen

Really?

Jensen to Jared

Well nothing that I wanted sent through a Japanese texting app?

Jared to Jensen

It’s not like the NSA doesn’t read all of our messages anyway

Jensen to Jared

True dat.

Jensen to Chad

I believe you have something that belongs to me.

Chad to Jensen

…I do? Is this a weird way to say that you want me to send Jared your way? Because watching him pocket text is really entertaining.

Jensen to Chad

No, idiot. I need my damn key.

Chad to Jensen

OHH. I taped them under your seat.

Jensen to Chad

You’re kidding, right? The same seat that I was in for all of twenty minutes – and by the way, another thing I hate about weddings. You spend all of this money on food and alcohol that evades your grasp for most of the day.

Chad to Jensen

Uh-huh, or you could have just done what Jared did and snuck into to kitchen for half an hour.

Jensen to Chad

He told me that he was side tracked by my dad.

Chad to Jensen

Yeah, so, about those keys. I’ll try and retrieve them.

Jensen to Chad

You do that, Chad.

Chad to Jensen

Nice work with the sort of vows. That was not at all what we discussed but whatever. If there’s anyone who loves romantic babbling it’s Jared. So...well done.

Jensen to Chad

TBH, my mind went totally blank.

Chad to Jensen

Well in that case...good save.

Jensen to Chad

Lol, thanks.

Jared to Jensen

Where are you anyway?

Jensen to Jared

Hiding.

Jared to Jensen

And leaving me to fend off family members. I think your aunt asked me when we intend on consummating our marriage.

Jensen to Jared

My family have no boundaries whatsoever. I apologize.

Jensen to Jared

Your family are almost depressingly normal compared to mine. Apart from your sister who keeps on emailing me her Tumblr posts?

Jared to Jensen

It’s a phase that we’re all hoping she grows out of. Although, your sister pinched my ass a few minutes ago and I’m hoping that she grows out of that too

Jensen to Jared

LOL.

Jared to Jensen

Ha, don’t think I didn’t notice you changing the subject. Where’s your magical hiding place? I’m all out of thank yous and fake smiles.

Jensen to Jared

Aw, poor baby. I’m in my room – make sure no one sees you. Knock three times so I know it’s you.

Jared to Jensen

It’s like being in a Bond movie. Or wait - Is this the return of Ninjackles?

Jensen to Jared

Unlike Elvis, Ninjackles never leaves the building.

Jared to Jensen

For a ninja, that kind of seems counterproductive

Jensen to Jared

My offer of solitude expires in 007 minutes.

Jared to Jensen

Siiiiiigh.

~


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The demise of the $600 couch and the wedding aftermath.

[ ](http://imgur.com/eYovhT2)

Katie to Jared, Jensen

Where are you? Did you just forget that you had to cut this ridiculous cake at some point?

Katie to Sandy

Have you seen Jared and Jensen?

Sandy to Katie

Not for a while. I was busy listening to Jensen’s dad drunkenly sing Madonna songs.

Katie to Sandy

What an elegant affair this turned out to be.

Katie to Jared, Jensen

Seriously. You have five minutes or I’ll just cut it myself.

Jared to Katie

Oh. Crap. We’ll be there in a couple of minutes, okay?

Jensen to Chad

Did you get the key?

Chad to Jensen

Yup. And then I followed Jared up to what I’m guessing your room and am now scarred for life.

Jensen to Chad

LOL. Sorry not sorry?

Chad to Jensen

Asshole.

Danneel to Alona

Why is Blue Haired Wonder texting me to ask who that guy on your Facebook is?

Alona to Danneel

No clue. *whistles innocently*

Danneel to Alona

We need to reactivate your Tinder account.

Alona to Danneel

…do we? Do we really? I might just date your neighbor’s friend!

Danneel to Alona

They left to go and watch *golf*, we’re done with them.

Alona to Danneel

Lmao.

Chris to Alona, Danneel

Looks like I just won our 3rd bet – guess who just re-emerged after a long(ish) period of absence looking a little ruffled?

Alona to Chris, Danneel

To be fair, Jared’s hair always looks that way.

Chris to Alona, Danneel

Yeah, yeah. I expect cash by the end of the evening.

Alona to Danneel

Why do we bet with him? He always takes our money and then buys a new Stetson or something.

Danneel to Alona

…as opposed to wasting it in a special edition skateboard?

Alona to Danneel

Are you and my mom ever going to let that go?

Danneel to Alona

Nope.

Alona to Danneel

Sigh.

~

Sandy to Katie

You outdid yourself today! Well done.

Katie to Sandy

Oh, no. We have Mrs A to thank. She did most of the work. I just made it ten times better than it would have been.

Sandy to Katie

I’m sure you did…

Katie to Sandy

It was a joke. Really, do I really come across as that self-important?

Sandy to Katie

Kind of. But we can work on that. Where did the guys end up anyway? Danneel and Alona want to sneak into their apartment to watch Netflix on their TV.

Katie to Sandy

Hell, count me in. I don’t know though – Chad might. I saw him and Jensen whispering about something several times.

Sandy to Chad

Are the guys staying in a hotel or jetting away to some exotic location?

Chad to Sandy

Neither. You know how they had that weird non-argument about Danneel living in Jensen ‘house’?

Sandy to Chad

Yes, Lauren helpfully announced it to the world…

Chad to Sandy

Well, that’s not Danneel’s place. He bought that through some corporation type of thing – whatever that means but he did buy a house. One that he and Jared have been looking at.

Sandy to Chad

Awww, and you know this how?

Chad to Sandy

Apparently I did such a good job with the apartment that Jensen put me in charge of getting the house ready. Never let it be said that I’m not awesome.

Sandy to Chad

So they’re there now? A bunch of us are going to their apartment now actually. That TV and I will never be parted. It’s awesome.

Chad to Sandy

Oh…is this a bad time to mention that my guys moved to the TV to the new place?

Sandy to Chad

I hate you. Wait. Where’s the house – we can go there instead.

Chad to Sandy

It’s their wedding night.

Sandy to Chad

Siiiiiiigh. Okay, well, impromptu after party at their apartment! See ya there.

Chad to Sandy

I think I’ll pass…

~

Jared to Chad

YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND EVER!! Seriously. I love the house. And Jensen loved those hideous cufflinks you helped me pick out so thanks for that too.

Jared to Chad

Oh, and Jensen is pissed with you so. Expect texts, emails…maybe some semi-threatening phone calls.

Chad to Jared

What have I done now?

Jared to Chad

Our apartment looks like World War 7 took place in it over the past few days and he thinks you’re to blame. I tried to explain that you’d have Snapchatted me excessively if you were involved but he thinks your moving crew caused all of the damage.

Chad to Jared

This is all Sandy’s fault!

Jared to Chad

He really loves that couch, man.

Chad to Jared

:(

~

**From: Jensen**

**To: Chad**

**Subject: INVOICE**

* * *

 

You had one job, Chad. One job.

\--

**From: Chad**

**To: Jensen**

**Subject: RE: INVOICE**

* * *

 

1\. Congratulations – you’re still an asshole.

2\. You paid waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much for that couch.

3\. I’m not paying this because it had nothing to do with me. I have pictures of how we left the place. Complete with EXIF data. My dad can vouch for me.

4\. Way to make me feel like I’m a 17 year old who accidentally trashed my prom hotel room.

5\. You have way too much time on your hands – shouldn’t you and jared be off getting laid on some beach somewhere

6\. –

\--

**From: Jensen**

**To: Chad**

**Subject: RE: INVOICE**

* * *

 

What’s number 6?

Re: 4…how does one _accidentally_ trash a hotel room?

\--

**From: Chad**

**To: Jensen**

**Subject: RE: INVOICE**

* * *

 

6 was FUCK YOU!

\--

**From: Chad**

**To: Sandy, Danneel, Alona, Katie**

**Subject: FWD: INVOICE**

* * *

 

What exactly were you guys drinking on Saturday? Did you do shrooms?

\--Quoted text---

_From: Jensen_

_To: Chad_

_Subject: INVOICE_

_You had one job, Chad. One job._

_[IMAGE]_

\--

Alona to Chad

Oh, shit. Don’t worry, I’ll sort it all out.

Chad to Alona

Wait, what? Really? You’re not going to try and pin this on me because I owe Jensen money anyway?

Alona to Chad

Uh, he’s kind of my boss, so. Nope. I cannot be in a position where I owe him. It would destroy all of my leverage whenever I wanted something to go my way.

Chad to Alona

Uh. Okay then. Does he know that you’re secretly plotting world domination?

Alona to Chad

LOL. Sorry that you ended up getting the blame.

Alona to Sandy, Danneel, Katie

I think we’re in for an evening of cleaning.

Sandy to Danneel, Katie, Alona

I’ve got a guy that can reupholster the couch. Oh and FYI, I’m never after-partying with you bitches again. I still can’t get that permanent marker smiley off my face. I had to wear a hat to work.

Danneel to Sandy, Alona, Katie

LOL. Good times though.

Katie to Sandy, Alona, Danneel

Not really. I hate all three of you for making me prank call Aldis’ girlfriend.

Sandy to Alona, Danneel, Katie

…you ended up talking to her for an hour? Aldis literally had to call us to tell you to hang up because he kind of wanted to get some sleep.

Katie to Sandy, Danneel, Alona

Turns out that she’s actually not that bad.

Sandy to Katie

You have issues, dear.

Danneel to Jensen

Look, it was us that wrecked your apartment. Alona is too chicken to tell you but Chad keeps angry texting me and it’s not funny anymore, so I am confessing.

Jensen to Danneel

What exactly did you guys do in there? Host a keg party?

Danneel to Jensen

Damn, we totally should have done that. But yeah…You probably don’t want to know. But we will sort everything out.

~

Jensen to Chad

I guess that I owe you an apology.

Chad to Jared

Tell your *husband* that I reject his apology.

Jared to Chad

Oh man, that was weird. You’re the first one to call him that. Is it normal to be freaking out?

Chad to Jared

I’m regretting it now.

Jared to Chad

<333333333 I still love you the best, Chadling!

Chad to Jared

Yeah, sure you do.

Jensen to Chad

In my defense, it was a $600 couch. And I thought you were the last one there. So to show that I’m sorry, I’d like to invite you over for dinner over the weekend. I’m cooking.

Chad to Jared

Jensen’s cooking? And why is he being nice?

Jared to Chad

Well, he’ll burn something and then if I can’t fix it - we’ll order in. Oh, he called your Dad to back up your story and your Dad went apeshit. It was hilarious. He said that not only was Jensen insulting you, but he was insulting him and dishonouring the years that he spent building up his business. It was great. I’ve never seen Jensen turn so red. HAHAHAHAHA.

Chad to Dad

Thanks, pa.

Dad to Chad

Try to keep yourself out of trouble for a while, please? Or out of prison at least.

Chad to Dad

I’ll try my best ;)

Chad to Jensen

Sorry that my dad yelled at you.

Jensen to Chad

Are you?

Chad to Jensen

YES! His yelling is scary as fuck. The way he starts off at normal tone and then slowly gets louder but the actual yelling STILL catches you by surprise? I wouldn’t wish that shit on my worst enemy.

Jensen to Chad

LOL. That’s an accurate description. I am sorry for accusing you though. Especially after your help with the house. Look, how about we just wipe the slate clean and just agree to be friends. Fresh starts and all of that.

Chad to Jensen

I’m good with that. And I’m going to write you a check in the morning.

Jensen to Chad

And sign out of my Uber account?

Chad to Jensen

I thought about doing that but I’m just not there yet. It’s so much better than having to buy a car.

Jensen to Chad

You are the worst.

Chad to Jensen

Coming from you that’s a compliment.

~

Mrs A to Jared

So, now that you’re married, new house, very generous pre-nup – what’s next?

Jared to Mrs A

Uh…I start my new job soon?

Mrs A to Jared

Yes, and?

Jared to Mrs A

And…I’ll be a year older soon?

Jared to Jensen

I think your mom is about to start harassing me about *kids*

Jensen to Jared

Just tell her you’re impotent. The shock alone will buy you a week of silence.

Jared to Jensen

LMAO. You are truly terrible. That’s not funny at all.

Jensen to Jared

In that case, tell her our plans and get ready to enjoy constant questioning.

Jared to Jensen

We didn’t really talk about it besides saying ‘someday’.

Jensen to Jared

What else is there to talk about?

Jared to Jensen

I don’t know. Stuff.

Jensen to Jared

…that’s informative. Look, we got married less than a week ago and everything we talked about hasn’t changed. So let’s just do what we said we would. Enjoy our time together and just figure this out when we’re more settled.

Jared to Jensen

Okay. Sorry. This is all just kind of *weird* - like everything’s changed but it hasn’t at the same time. You’d think I’d be more comfortable with everything than you – the guy who didn’t even want to get married a few years ago.

Jensen to Jared

Actually that’s probably in my favor. It was never an option before I met you, so I had no expectations. No huge fantasy about it. I just wanted you to be in my life forever.

Jared to Jensen

Awwww, and now I will be ;)

Jensen to Jared

Yup. As will Chad.

Jared to Jensen

Chad and I are a package deal :D

Jensen to Jared

Now, that’s a thought that will threaten to test my sanity on a daily basis.

Jensen to Jared

By the way, Alona is totally in suck-up mode. It’s HILARIOUS. I asked her to find me an organic carrot cake with buttercream frosting within 20 minutes and she actually did.

Jared to Jensen

You are so mean, haha. Enjoy the cake!

Jensen to Jared

I’ll bring it home, don’t worry. Speaking of cake, what are we doing with our leftover wedding cake.

Jared to Jensen

Oh, Katie and I managed to sort out everything was still edible and we packaged it all for the meal center a couple of blocks away from her office. I saved you a piece though, I never got a chance to smash cake in your face.

Jensen to Jared

That’s really nice of you guys. Thanks. If you DARE, Jared – there will be grave consequences. Besides, you’ll never be able to pull it off without me noticing first.

Jared to Jensen

Oh, yeah – wanna bet?

Jensen to Jared

Bring it. Terms?

Jared to Jensen

If you win, I might make an exception to my ‘no sex at the office’ rule. And if I win, you have to watch every single episode of Games of Thrones with me.

Jensen to Jared

Really? Watching a TV show is what you want to do if you win?

Jared to Jensen

[[link to image]](https://67.media.tumblr.com/81b4521acd2ba613ded1b4577707c695/tumblr_n9ntrfjzmL1rt7s2lo1_500.gif)

Jensen to Jared

LOL, alright man. It’s on.

Jared to Danneel

I need your help.

Jensen to Chad

I need your help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fail at invoicing, and is it obvious that I was struggling for plot at this point? ;)


	9. Chapter 9

[ ](http://imgur.com/d5JfV7L)

Jensen to Chad

Are you sure about this?

Chad to Jensen

Yes, he’s planning on getting you tonight at the bar in front of everyone.

Jensen to Chad

And you’re not secretly working for him?

Chad to Jensen

Nope. Besides. I’ve basically been traveling for free on your dime. I owe you.

Jensen to Chad

Damn right.

~

Jared to Chad

You sold me out, didn’t you?

Chad to Jared

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Danneel to Jensen

You are cold. Cold. And also I definitely didn’t help Jared. I know how protective you are over your face.

Jensen to Danneel

Uh-huh. I saw the texts, D.

Danneel to Jensen

I’m still pleading the fifth.

Jensen to Jared

You know, I think you look kind of hotter with a cream pie all over your face.

Jared to Jensen

I HATE YOU.

Jensen to Jared

*evil laugh*

Jared to Jensen

I call a do-over!

Jensen to Jared

Nope. Besides, with my terms, we BOTH kind of win. With yours, I would have had to suffer for hours.

Jared to Jensen

So basically I have to live with having my windscreen papered with pictures of me with cream all over my face?

Jensen to Jared

Can you add the pie after cream in all future texts? I’m trying to pay attention to this meeting.

Jared to Jensen

Cream, glorious creeeeeeeeeam.

Alona to Jared

I confiscated Jensen’s phone and can see your messages. Eww. What are you guys, 12?

Jared to Alona

God, you’re like my kid sister or something. It’s just grown up talk, dear. Doesn’t he have a passcode?

Alona to Jared

It’s your birthday.

Alona to Jared

Shit. You didn’t hear that from me.

Jared to Alona

Don’t worry, my lips are sealed. :P

Alona to Jared

Make sure they stay that way until all of our clients have left the building okay? I see that you’re scheduled to see Jensen at 6.

Jared to Alona

I am?

Alona to Jared

Yup. I think it was Chad’s idea. And I really need to stop reading these messages..

Jared to Alona

Ah. Now that explains why Chad sent me that sex o’clock message. I think he and I have to set some boundaries. As do you and Jensen.

Alona to Jared

Oh, NOW you care about boundaries.

Jared to Alona

:P

~

Alona to Danneel

How long does this honeymoon period thing normally last?

Danneel to Alona

I’ll let you know when I get married. Why, though? What’s happening?

Alona to Danneel

Jensen has collected his winnings from that bet they had. Several times. This building has shitty soundproofing and I’m working overtime to pay for that fucking ugly couch.

Danneel to Alona

…so, can you record these things…or?

Alona to Danneel

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that you’re an actual functional adult.

Danneel to Alona

That’s because I’m not.

Alona to Danneel

You’re the female version of Chad.

Danneel to Alona

WHAT. TAKE THAT BACK!

Alona to Danneel

Nope.

Danneel to Alona

I really need to get my life together.

Alona to Danneel

You’ve finally seen the light.

~

Jensen to Jared

So, how do you fancy honeymooning in NYC? I have a meeting or two to attend there but then we can make a week of it maybe?

Jared to Jensen

Do you parents have a house in the Hamptons? Maybe I can somehow turn up at one of the RHONYC filming locations. I’ve always wanted to be on TV!

Jensen to Jared

They actually do, LOL. Your wishes may come true.

Jared to Jensen

NYC it is then! ;)

~

Danneel to Sandy

So, how does your psychologist thing work? Do you read palms or tea leaves?

Sandy to Danneel

They invented Google for stupid questions like that.

Danneel to Sandy

LOL. Touché. Anyway, I need you to size up this guy I’m dating. I would ask Alona but she can’t be trusted after that Blue Haired Wonder debacle.

Sandy to Danneel

Oh! Maybe I can cook something and you guys can come over for dinner?

Danneel to Sandy

I said size him up, not poison him!

Sandy to Danneel

~

Jensen to Jared

So if Danneel asks you about double-dating with that jackass she’s dating – please say no.

Jared to Jensen

LOL. Why? And how do you know he’s a jackass?

Jensen to Jared

She does this thing where she orders ribs just to make sure that the guy isn’t a prude. It is not a pretty sight. I just assumed he was based on previous boyfriends.

Jared to Jensen

Damn. And now I want ribs. Maybe I can go by myself.

Jensen to Jared

Good luck with that.

~

Sandy to Jared

So, according to my calendar, I am due to help out an adopt-a-puppy-thon on my first day off.

Jared to Sandy

As evidenced from your cooking, your timing sucks.

Sandy to Jared

Hush. Anyway, I can’t go because my aunt’s hip is playing up again and I promised to look in on her, and I don’t trust Chad around any small animals so….

Jared to Sandy

I would probably end up bring them all home with me. And then Jensen would divorce me and I’d become the male equivalent of a cat lady.

Sandy to Jared

Right. Anyway, pleeeeeeeeeeeease? I’ll make brownies.

Jared to Sandy

Oh gosh, I’ll do it if you promise not to make brownies.

Sandy to Jared

Yay!! Thank you. I’ll email you the details.

~

Jared to Jensen

Hey, so…I might have sort of accidentally adopted a dog.

Jared to Jensen

And I’m calling him Ninja, so you can’t get mad.

Jared to Jensen

No answer?

Jensen to Jared

Some of us actually have important shit to deal with, Jared. I got your messages.

Jared to Jensen

Whoa! Is everything okay?

Jared to Alona

Everything okay at the office?

Alona to Jared

Didn’t I text you to tell you that Jensen’s on the warpath?

Jared to Alona

No!

Alona to Jared

Ah…it didn’t go through. My bad.

Jared to Alona

What’s his problem anyway?

Alona to Jared

Remember that whole argument you had when we needed you to wrangle these obnoxious interns?

Jared to Alona

Yes?

Alona to Jared

Well…we all thought it might be a good idea to set up an area where they can maybe give out free legal advice to drop-ins. You know, we give out 30 tickets, listen to them, tell them what they can do and refer them to the relevant services.

Jared to Alona

That’s actually a pretty good idea.

Alona to Jared

I know. It was MY idea. I just…didn’t do a good job of implementing it. :(

Jared to Alona

And now he’s pissed at you, or?

Alona to Jared

He WAS. And then you told him you got a dog.

Jared to Alona

We have a house with a yard! It just makes sense.

Alona to Jared

You might have an annulment on your hands if you let it get anywhere near his Gucci loafers.

Jared to Alona

Yeah, speaking of that…I might need you to order a new pair of those. And then maybe find someone who can break them in?

Alona to Jared

It was nice knowing, J-Dog.

~

Jensen to Jared

So, I’m not mad at you anymore.

Jared to Jensen

Even though the dog destroyed a surprising amount of your stuff?

Jensen to Jared

Thanks for the reminder. But actually, there’s a small silver lining. Your sister can take him to training classes and then we can have peace for at least an hour.

Jared to Jensen

She’s not THAT bad.

Jensen to Jared

She listens to Korean pop music at ridiculous volumes. She is worse than bad.

Jared to Jensen

Hahahaha.

Jensen to Jared

I’m sorry for being snippy. Running this place is a nightmare sometimes. I should probably apologize to Alona too.

Jared to Jensen

Ooh, I know a place that does ‘I’m sorry’ cupcakes :D

Jensen to Jared

Is it the same place that does the ‘fuck you’ cupcakes?

Jared to Jensen

Aw, you remember that?

Jensen to Jared

I remember everything. Especially what happened to the last cupcake. :P

Jared to Jensen

Oh yeah, that was fun until you started bitching about having crumbs in your ass.

Jensen to Jared

We swore we’d never speak of that moment again.

Jared to Jensen

Technically we’re not.

Jensen to Jared

I hate you.

Jared to Jensen

No, you don’t. :D

~

Chad to Jared

So what does one buy for 13-year-old girl?

Jared to Chad

…what?

Chad to Jared

It’s for Lauren’s daughter. She’s having a birthday party and my 12-year-old cousin might just happen to go to the same school as her, so. You know. I’ll be dropping him off.

Jared to Chad

Is that Chad speak for ‘My 12-year-old cousin is going to be my wingman?’. And I don’t know, a One Direction CD?

Chad to Jared

One Direction is so 2014. Everybody knows that.

Jared to Chad

Right, well. I’ll ask my sister but jewelry’s always good, right?

Chad to Jared

Gotcha. And hey, my cousin is a great wingman. Sometimes I pretend that he’s my son. The ladies love that.

Jared to Chad

Sometimes I’m ashamed of our friendship.

~

Lauren to Jensen

So, what’s the deal with this Chad guy? I mean, he’s a little persistent for someone who you told me was ‘practically a walking herpes sore’.

Jensen to Lauren

I said that?

Lauren to Jensen

Yes. And yes, you are a horrible person that comes with an unwanted side order of bitch. I’ve gotten used to it.

Jensen to Lauren

I can fire you right this second.

Lauren to Jensen

And lose one of your top earners? I don’t think so.

Jensen to Lauren

Ugh. Chad’s not a bad guy. He’s just…scatter brained. He’s not exactly 'settling down with' material.

Lauren to Jensen

Oh, thank God. One ex-husband is bad enough. Anyway, how do I let him down gently?

Jensen to Lauren

File a restraining order?

Lauren to Jensen

You’re heartless. I said GENTLY.

Jensen to Lauren

Okay, well, maybe stop leading him on – and before you deny it, I saw you at the wedding.

Lauren to Jensen

In my defense, I really did need someone to hold my faux mink.

Jensen to Lauren

Who wears faux mink to a wedding in June??

Lauren to Jensen

I’m English. Our Junes have a license to be wet and cold.

Jensen to Lauren

Uh-huh. Well anyway, just tell him that you’d rather be friends.

Lauren to Jensen

I could tell him that I have a boyfriend.

Jensen to Lauren

Okay, but wouldn’t that be a lie?

Lauren to Jensen

No, I genuinely do have one.

Jensen to Lauren

What is wrong with you?

Lauren to Jensen

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with keeping your options open?

Jensen to Lauren

So help me God, I’m actually kind of sad on Chad’s behalf now.

Lauren to Jensen

Which is why you should be the one to let him down gently.

Jensen to Lauren

I walked right into that, didn’t I?

Lauren to Jensen

Don’t give me that. You’re married to his best friend. You can just get Jared to do it.

Jensen to Lauren

You know what – I have some actual work to do. So I’ll let you figure out how you’re going to break Chad’s heart.

Lauren to Jensen

:(

~

Chad to Jared

So, I’m there eating this like, gluten-free, sugar-free, personality-free cake and her kid comes up to me and says, ‘Mommy can’t be friends with you because she already has a boyfriend’. And then little Joey threw cake in her hair and things escalated. He’s now banned from setting foot in Lauren’s house.

Jared to Chad

Damn. Well, hey, man. Your loyalty lies with Joey anyway. Your 12-year-old wingman who beats me at Call of Duty every. Single. Time.

Chad to Jared

Ha, I knew you were still salty over that! And yes. Joey and I are a package deal. #brosforlife

Jared to Chad

Someone should tell his mother that you’re corrupting him – I had to stop him from bitching out some dude from Philly the last time we played games with him.

Chad to Jared

You gotta train ‘em young, Paddles. A real man needs to know how to trash talk assholes from Philly.

Jared to Chad

Ha. So you’re okay with Lauren not working out?

Chad to Jared

Yeah. But - bright side, I am now officially over Sophia.

Jared to Chad

Yeah, I saw you guys talking at the wedding. I’m happy that you managed to work it out, man.

Chad to Jared

Yup. Of course now I have to be the one to tell my aunt that her son got in trouble for throwing cake at a girl. FML. 

Jared to Chad

LOL. Good luck with that!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The return of Blue Haired Wonder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last part!

[ ](http://imgur.com/qfRI0p8)

Alona to Jared

Is your sister called Becca?

Jared to Alona

What has she done now?

Alona to Jared

Nothing!

Jared to Bex

So...is there any reason why I just got a message from a lawyer at Jensen’s firm asking if you were my sister?

Bex to Jared

No? I’ve been hanging out at some skate park with Ninja and this guy I met at the library. Is that illegal?

Jared to Bex

There’s a skate park near here?

Jared to Alona

She says she’s at a skate park with…oh. No. Not Blue Haired Wonder?

Alona to Jared

I was doing that thing where I definitely don’t stalk his Facebook page and I came across a picture of them.

Jared to Alona

Alona to Jared

Just thought I’d give you a heads up. Be sure to invite me to the wedding!

Jared to Alona

Don’t even put that thought into the universe.

~

Becca to Jensen

Who’s Blue Haired Wonder?

Jensen to Becca

Uh…I have no idea. Why?

Becca to Jensen

Overheard my annoying brother talking about it on the phone and then he wouldn’t tell me when I asked. Not even after I threatened to let Ninja poop on that nice new couch of yours.

Jensen to Becca

Your humor makes me uncomfortable.

Becca to Jensen

I am glad to be of service.

Jensen to Jared

Your sister scares me.

Jared to Jensen

Same here. Why would she intentionally hang out with someone who still has blue hair?

Jensen to Jared

Because she listens to Kpop?

Jared to Jensen

Whatever. I say that we leave her to her own devices.

Jensen to Jared

Who was saying otherwise? Alona?

Jared to Jensen

Yeah, so I’m just not going to field any messages from her until my sister goes back home.

Jensen to Jared

You suck.

~

Bex to Jared

Are you busy?

Jared to Bex

Just got done teaching a class, why?

Bex to Jared

I need to ditch this guy before he reads me one more of his poems but I don’t think I can run fast enough for it not to be obvious.

Jared to Bex

Blue Haired Wonder?

Bex to Jared

I have no idea why you’re calling him that, but yes him. He’s awful.

Jared to Bex

I’m sure he is. Let me know where you are and I’ll swing by and pick you up.

~

Blue Haired Wonder to Alona

Hey, how are you doing?

Alona to Blue Haired Wonder

Fuck off.

Alona to Jared

Did your sister manage to tear herself away from BHW?

Jared to Alona

She ran away screaming. How’d you know?

Alona to Jared

He usually gets in touch after his relationship status goes back to ‘single’

Jared to Alona

You have a real problem. Just defriend him.

Alona to Jared

And miss out on a valuable source of entertainment? Never. :P

Jared to Danneel

You need to organize an intervention for your cousin?

Danneel to Jared

Which one? All of them are pissants.

Jared to Danneel

…do you even know what that means?

Danneel to Jared

It was a joke, Ms Trunchbull.

Jared to Danneel

Ruude! I am a million more times awesome than Ms Trunchbull.

Danneel to Jared

Sure. Hell, you even have the same hair as her.

Jared to Danneel

If I could see you, I’d be giving you some MAJOR side-eye right now.

Danneel to Jared

Oh, please. You love me :)

Jared to Danneel

Anyway, do you maybe want to do something about Alona FB stalking Blue Haired Wonder?

Danneel to Jared

Facebook stalking is part of the healing process, man.

Jared to Danneel

Did you Facebook stalk Jeff?

Danneel to Jared

Low blow!

Jared to Danneel

You know I’m right.

Danneel to Jared

Fiiiiiiine. I will log in to her account and block him.

Jared to Danneel

Too obvious. We need to find a hacker and get them to delete his account. Problem solved.

Danneel to Jared

I’ll just give Mr Robot a call. You’re an idiot.

Jared to Danneel

:(

Jared to Danneel

Jokes aside, how about you just talk to her? If we force the issue, she’ll just find other ways to FB stalk him.

Danneel to Jared

Fine, Trunchbull.

Jared to Danneel

~

Jensen to Danneel

It was pretty stupid of Jared to ask you to intervene. Angry Alona is someone that I never wanted to meet.

Danneel to Jensen

Give it a few days and she’ll see that I’m right and we will all be friends again. In the meantime, I’m forwarding all of the shady messages she’s sending me to Jared.

Jensen to Danneel

That explains why he was enquiring about changing his number last night. Anyway, I’m off to lunch with the hubs. See ya.

Danneel to Jensen

3, 2, 1…

Jensen to Danneel

Please punch me if I say ‘hubs’ again. Thx.

Danneel to Jensen

And we have lift off.

~

Rob to Jared

Hey, how’s married life treating you?

Jared to Rob

It’s been great. How are you doing? How’s Katie? We’ve barely heard from her since the wedding.

Rob to Jared

Ah, yeah, she got a huge promotion at work. And I am now working for her officially.

Jared to Rob

And she hasn’t throttled you yet? Haha.

Rob to Jared

Actually, I think she actually thinks I’m good for something now ;)

Jared to Rob

Ha, well I’m happy for you.

Rob to Jared

Thanks. I’m happy for you too.

Jared to Rob

Thanks, man!

Jared to Jensen

Is it weird that I feel weird whenever Rob texts me?

Jensen to Jared

No comment.

Jared to Jensen

He was just being nice!

Jensen to Jared

I don’t need to hear about it.

Jensen to Jared

Well, not unless he crosses the line somehow.

Jared to Jensen

Lol, that’s fair. I don’t think he will though. He finally seems to have grown up.

Jensen to Jared

I guess being jilted would that to someone.

Jared to Jensen

*facepalm*

Jensen to Jared

Hey, you brought him up!

~

Jared to Jensen

Hey, are you going to be home for dinner? My sister is our chef for the night.

Jensen to Jared

Can’t. Sorry…

Jared to Jensen

It would be nice to see you face-to-face for more than a few hours every day.

Jensen to Jared

We can Skype?

Jared to Jensen

Nope. Not after #Skyp*nisGate

Jensen to Jared

We agreed never to mention that again. And also, you named it?

Jensen to Jared

Don’t answer that. You are the same person that named our dog ‘Ninja’.

Jared to Jensen

Technically I named him ‘Ninjackles’. Ninja for short.

Jensen to Jared

Awwwwwwww.

Jared to Jensen

That better be a genuine aww.

Jensen to Jared

*innocent face*. I have to make call or two. I’ll try to be home ASAP. Love you.

Jared to Jensen

You too.

~

Aldis to Jensen

Why did we ever think it was a good idea to branch out? I still don’t have my Maserati.

Jensen to Aldis

*gasp* I’m so sorry that you don’t have your dream car!

Aldis to Jensen

Yeah, yeah. Asshole. Anyway, I have to fly out to Georgia tomorrow to make sure that our latest prospective client is an upstanding citizen of the law.

Jensen to Aldis

I hear that the wings at Cheetahs are amazing.

Aldis to Jensen

Why am I friends with you?

Jensen to Aldis

My sparkling wit. :P Anyway, see you when you get back. I better get home before I end up sleeping in the dog house. Literally.

Aldis to Jensen

Haha, good luck.

~

Jared has joined the conversation

_Chad is typing_

Chad: Why aren’t you trash talking this Canadian punk with me? And also, why are you playing so badly?

Jared: Sorry, I guess I’m just tired. Also I took off my headset after your third Tim Horton’s jibe. You need new material, bro.

Chad: Dammit. I lost.

Jared: Hahaha, all of that wasted trash talk.

Chad: So, what is it? Did the dog shit on something valuable or are you stuck waiting for Jensen?

Jared: the latter. But I’m not mad or anything. When I start at the school, I’ll probably get home just as late as he is.

Chad: Admit it, you wish you were me right now. Single. Unattached. Living the life.

Jared: and…spending evenings yelling ‘asshat’ at Canadian college kids? Yeah, pretty happy that I’m not you.

Chad: Asshat. Well, if you need me to come over let me know.

Jared: Thanks, Chad.

~

Jared to Jensen

So, how long is your meeting in NYC? Will I need to find some way to pass the time?

Jensen to Jared

Shouldn’t take any longer than half a day and then I’m yours for the rest of the week/

Jared to Jensen

Really? No phone calls, texts, emails – no communication at all from the office for the rest of the week?

Jensen to Jared

I…uh, well. Are you asking or telling me?

Jared to Jensen

Asking! I knew what the deal was so, I’m not going to make you miss something important.

Jensen to Jared

It’ll be just us. Promise.

~

Sandy to Chad

If Jared wasn’t one of my best friends, I would hate him on the basis of his Instagram.

Chad to Sandy

I feel ya! What’s he up to over there anyway? He and the other one haven’t replied to my texts.

Sandy to Chad

I think what they’re doing is pretty obvious.

Chad to Sandy

Ew!

Sandy to Chad

Hey, I meant sightseeing…each other.

Chad to Sandy

You have issues.

Sandy to Chad

LOL. It’s kind of nice though. That they’re happy. Especially after everything.

Chad to Sandy

Yeah, it is.

~

Chris to Danneel

Who the fuck was that asshole you brought to the bar?

Danneel to Chris

My prospective boyfriend?

Chris to Danneel

Yeah, you might want to rethink that. I don’t know him personally but he looks like this roadie I used to cross paths with. Let’s just say that hygiene is optional for him. And he showers with his dog. Pretty sure that thing had fleas.

Danneel to Chris

…that explains why he passed the ribs test.

Chris to Danneel

I hope you’ve had all of your shots.

Danneel to Chris

Oh, god.

Chris to Danneel

Anyway, I’m having a little get together at my place. Katie’s helping me set it all up so you can hold back whatever comment you have.

Danneel to Chris

When? Jensen’s not back until the end of the week. And I haven’t seen or heard from Katie in a couple of weeks…

Chris to Danneel

Maybe you’re just not that interesting.

Danneel to Chris

Zip it.

Danneel to Chris

Wait…you’re not…no!

Chris to Danneel

Are you feeling okay?

Danneel to Katie

Are you dating Chris? I thought we all agreed that ONE COUPLE IN OUR CIRCLE WAS ENOUGH!

Katie to Danneel

Hello to you too!

Katie to Chris

Hahaha, what did you say to Danneel?

Chris to Katie

I didn’t say a word. But…well, they are a bunch of nosy fuckers anyway. And I just won the bet with Alona, who apparently is the smartest one out of all of us.

Katie to Danneel

It’s early days. And it only happened because I’ve been throwing business his way for work.

Danneel to Katie

CALL ME.

Danneel to Chris

It actually makes sense in a way. I mean, before we met Jared, you were living off McDonald’s and playing in dives, but we loved you despite that. She actually got you to clean up and fulfil your potential. She saw something in your that we didn’t and managed to help you make it work.

Chris to Danneel

Uh...I’m glad you approve.

Danneel to Chris

I didn’t say I approved, just that it made sense. This is Katie we’re talking about. Are you sure you can handle her? She can be very dramatic?

Chris to Danneel

…as opposed to you and Jensen?

Danneel to Chris

Point taken. Anyway. I have to go and break up with Mr Dog Shower. See you at the party.

~

Sandy to Chad

Danneel just found out about Chris and Katie. HAHA.

Chad to Sandy

LOL. Poor thing. Great, so now we’re the only singletons. For now at least.

Sandy to Chad

Danneel just re-joined us a few minutes ago.

Chad to Sandy

OH, THANK GOD. That guy was horrible. Anyway, so what do we make a pact or something? If we’re still single by the time we’re 40, we figure out how to join the Amish.

Sandy to Chad

LMAO. Strangely, that isn’t the weirdest or stupidest thing you’ve ever said to me. Never change, Chad.

~

Jensen to Danneel

What’s so urgent that you called me 13 times.

Danneel to Jensen

Chris is actually dating a live human person!!

Jensen to Danneel

Okay…I know about him and Katie, if that’s what you’re asking?

Danneel to Jensen

Did everyone know except me? Even Alona knew!

Jensen to Danneel

HAHAHA, well, she told Jared, who told me, so. Besides you’ve been preoccupied with your…friend.

Danneel to Jensen

That’s over.

Jensen to Danneel

Oh…sorry?

Danneel to Jensen

Meh. Fuck monogamy!

Jensen to Danneel

Do Katie and Chris bother you?

Danneel to Jensen

Yes. It’s just weird.

Jensen to Danneel

Jared says hi, btw.

Danneel to Jensen

Aw, tell Trunchbull that I miss him.

Jensen to Danneel

And now he says ‘fuck off’.

Danneel to Jensen

LOL.

Jensen to Danneel

Anyway, between you and me, I put down $20 on them not staying together for too long. Alona’s running the betting pool.

Danneel to Jensen

How much did you win on my dalliance with Mr So Last Week?

Jensen to Danneel

Zilch. I really thought him passing the ribs test would be a deal breaker.

Danneel to Jensen

Dammit.

~

_Two weeks later._

[GROUP TEXT]

Sandy: AND, THEY’RE OVER! Has it been six weeks?

Danneel: Wait, they were dating for a month before I found out? Well, that’s me out.

Alona: With Chris out of this bet, at least we actually have a chance of winning. I’ll pull up my spreadsheet later.

Jared: You made a spreadsheet?

Jensen: You love Throes of Games, and she loves spreadsheets.

Jared: Not what the show is called.

Sandy: Ugh, fuck Games of Thrones.

Jared: Sandy, please don’t break my heart.

Sandy: I quit the show when they killed off Sean Bean.

Jared: *hands on ears* We can’t be friends.

Jensen: Sandy is my new BFF, guys.

Chad: WHO WON DA MONEY?

Danneel: Shut up, Chad.

Chad: :(

Alona: Spreadsheets are a necessity, Jensen. Or do you want to start doing the expenses forms by yourself?

Jensen: No.

Jared: Alona is my new BFF, guys.

Sandy: You two are not as cute as you think you are.

Jared: We’re even cuter!

Jensen: I know, we’re even cuter than we think we are.

Danneel: Ugh.

Alona: And the winner is…Jared with six weeks, one day. That was oddly specific.

Sandy: How the hell did you beat me by ONE DAY?

Jared: I’m just that good.

Jensen: Can confirm.

Chad: That’s me out.

_Chad has left the group._

_Danneel has left the group_

_Sandy has left the group_

_Alona has left the group_

Jared: They’re going to feel really stupid when they realise that the whole thing was a prank.

Jensen: Gotta hand it to Katie. That was an interesting way to pay her share of the damage they did to my couch. My precious baby.

Jared: Confession – I kind of hate that couch.

Jensen: I hate your lucky beanie.

Jared: The one with the octopus on it? *pout*

Jensen: That is not an octopus. It’s just a THING with tentacles.

_Jared has left the conversation_

Jensen: LOL

~

Chris to Katie

Guess I can add acting to my resume.

Katie to Chris

LOL. Thank you for helping out. She was the one who went crazy with the couch. She had to pay.

Chris to Katie

Remind me never to get on your bad side. Haha.

~

Jared has joined the conversation

Jensen has joined the conversation

_Jared is typing_

Jared: My sister says bye!! Just got back from dropping her off at the airport. Peace at last.

Jensen: And now you actually have to do the dishes yourself.

Jared: How will I ever survive that…?

Jensen: Beats me.

Jared: So I have a confession to make…

Jensen: Oh, another one.

Jared: Ninja didn’t accidentally come across your lucky tie.

Jensen: Oh.

Jared: It was only in retaliation for you giving him my octopus hat.

Jensen: Not an octopus!

Jared: Whatever it is!

Jensen: Yeah, but the dog genuinely accidentally came across your hat. When would I even find the time?

Jared: My sister would do anything you asked. She thinks that you’re cooler than me.

Jensen: I keep telling you, I ooze cool.

Jared: LOL, okay, Romeo. Anyway. Seriously? It was a genuine accident?

Jensen: Yep. And you my friend, fell for the bait. Did you really think that I had a lucky tie?

Jared: I mean, you do seem like the stuffy lawyer type who’d partake in such superstitions.

Jensen: I am deeply offended. But the fact that you fell for it makes it that much better. LOL.

Jared: I’ll get you back for this. You’re not Ashton Kutcher. You can’t Punk me.

Jensen: Just diiiiiiiiid!

Jared: SMH.

~

Becca to Jensen

So, did he buy that it was an accident?

Jensen to Becca

Yup, LOL.

Becca to Jensen

I’m sorry.

Jensen to Becca

For what?

Becca to Jensen

You’ll know.

~

Jensen to Becca

Dammit, you sold me out.

Becca to Jensen

He has way too much blackmail material on me. I have a reputation to maintain!

Jensen to Becca

That was my exact thought when I ended up with blue hair last week.

Becca to Jensen

LOOOOOL.

~

Jared has joined the conversation

_Jared is typing…_

Jared: My arm hurts. Truce?

Jensen: Truce! And sorry about that. Knitting needles in the couch wasn’t my best move. Although, I’m not sure how you didn’t at least see them when you sat down.

Jared: The dog must have dislodged them when he…uh, briefly forayed onto the couch.

Jensen: This is why my mother refuses to come over.

Jared: I know, it’s perfect.

Jensen: I’m going to tell her that you said that!

Jensen: You know, even though we’re probably waaay too old to be pulling pranks – I actually had a lot of fun. Even with you supergluing my hand to the toaster.

Jared: Superglue. My signature move. I had a lot of fun too. I was worried that things would change once we actually got married but…they haven’t. And I know that I’ll be less annoying over you working when I start at the school in August.

Jensen: Hey, you keep being annoying. What I’d hate is for you to actual not feeling anything about me not being around as much as I could be. That would mean that you didn’t care, and I don’t want that. And if you ever need me for anything, work definitely wouldn’t get in the way. That’s a promise.

Jared: You don’t need to promise me that. I know that it wouldn’t. And I know that we’re lucky to have what we have – you knew, didn’t you? That I really liked this house. I never really asked about it, but Chad told me that he never mentioned it to you…so you must have known.

Jensen: I have my ways ;)

Jared: You do! I guess sometimes I feel like I can’t give you half of what you give me. And then other times, I’m like, “This is what I said *no* to back when you first proposed”

Jensen: You saying no was the smartest thing either of us has done. We weren’t ready. And that’s what you give me. At work, I’m methodical, clinical and I know my shit. Here, with you…I’m not always so sure of myself. But what I’m sure of is that you’ve got me – and I’ve got you. No one can get me to just sit back and let things happen the way you can, and I needed that. I need you. So, you give me enough.

Jared: You sure know how to make a girl blush!

Jensen: Shut up. See if I pour my heart out to you again :P

Jared: Pfft, you love me remember?

Jensen: Yeah, I do. <3

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! It's been great fun revisiting this verse. There might not be another full length story - at least not for a while, but I'm contemplating timestamps. So if you have any ideas, prompts, suggestions, whatever - let me know! Until then, thank you all again! -BH


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